I had a good day today... a bit of a sleep in (lazy sunday) and then mum and i got ready and my sister came over and we went to a cafe along the beachfront and had a lazy, late breakfast. Lots of good conversation and great food. After we wandered back home, stopping at mum's friends place along the way, dad came down and we all went to ANOTHER cafe and had coffee/tea.

My sister hung around for most of the afternoon and we went back over to mum's friends place, and had a drink or two at sherrie's... and then even ended up at the pub for a bit of a gamble on the pokie machines and more drinks. i didn't want to drink too much but still ended up having a few too many, but was home by 6pm and have drunk a few huge glasses of water and had a light dinner while watching big brother.

The boy and I have been in touch since I've been in Bundaberg, and we spoke a couple of times today. however he called me just before and we had another big chat... we always have a laugh together but it eventually turned into almost a goodbye type conversation.. NOT THAT I"M GOING ANYWHERE, but i guess it was goodbye until after the surgery. He went a bit quiet, maybe choked up... and that made me totally tear up and I started crying. I just feel so bad putting him through all of this. He's been nothing but supportive the whole time (although thinks I'm a tad stupid and thinks my body is fine as it is)... but its just not the normal thing you usually have to go through when you're dating someone. And I feel guilty for putting him through this. And I do worry what he's going to think afterwards. Will he still find me sexy? Will he be ok with scars and healing for a number of months? Will he be pissed off I'm putting our sex life on hold for a while?
I do realize I'm being silly and irrational and deep down I DO know he will no doubt be fine, but I still feel guilty that I'm asking alot of him...
I want nothing more than to give him a hug right now :(

Everything is starting to feel really surreal. I can't believe I'm here and this is finally happening. I've barely spoken to some of my supposed "best friends" about this... I'm sure its mostly my own fault, but I feel weird that they have been so distant lately. And maybe that's what has perpetuated my feeling of isolation. I know people have their own lives, but it really makes me wonder.

Of course I've probably been just as bad a friend, since this is all that's been on my mind lately.

And the person who has been the most supportive through it all, I feel like he's totally getting the raw end of the stick. I owe him so much, and hope to god he still loves me afterwards.

oh god, I've fully fallen into scared mode now.