::ARCHIVES::

28.11.04 | mobLOG

ok so i might have lied. things aren't better. they are on some days, and then others, like today, they aren't. i know that its just becoz i'm tired, a little worn down, i miss having someone to make me feel special and loved. i miss having someone who was mine, who cared for me. i may not have always got that, but even occasionally is better than not having it at all. even tho i know that's not right, it still sucks.

the markets fell thru, because of the xmas period EVERYONE and their dogs,where wanting a space at the markets. we're going to try again in a couple of weeks and get there about 3.30am this time. and then just sit/sleep in the car til 5.30am. crazyness, but it'll all be worth it to get rid of all that crap, and make a few extra bucks on the side from it.

almost december, god i can't believe the year is almost up. new years soon and i have no ideas, no plans, nothing. and not exactly many people to do things with. no significant other to share a new years kiss with. rach is working and not up for a big nite. most other people have plans. i have been invited to a roof top party at the rydges hotel which could be fun (expensive ticket price but it includes all food and alcohol), altho i wont exactly know anyone except shane from work. am still considering it as an option. it might be good to go somewhere where i hardly know anyone. mmm yea the more i think about it, the more i think it will be fun.

so fill me in, what has everyone else in the world got planned for new years? how will you be bringing in the new year?

25.11.04 | mobLOG

where to start? what to say? i'm done crying, i'm done with it all. its not that things are better, coz they aren't. we're still broken up, living together is still awkward, the few times we are home at the same time are spent with him on the computer ignoring my every attempt to communicate, which results in me being pissed off and muttering shit under my breath, slamming things around, then flopping on the couch to sulk. i've been listening to this song by Thirsty Merc, "Emancipate Myself"... and been bopping along to it, even tho it doesn't really apply, it somehow kinda does.
and these few lyrics sum things up so well....

But I don't want you to know that I'm missing you yeah
let's establish even more communication breakdown and wonder why
later on all the honesty and trust is gone between us.

i still think there are things to talk about, but i guess i'm wrong, so nothing is being said, any hope of reconcilling is flying very quickly out the window, and slowly i'm just starting to accept it.
seeing him all the time still breaks up heart, but i guess when its all smashed up in little pieces, there isn't much left to break..... but yea, i didn't feel like writing about it again and again, so i have just kinda steered clear on blogging.

BUT this crap is no longer consuming 100% of my life, so there are other things going on that i'm excited about, looking forward to.... Work Xmas party is coming up in 2 weekends. Its at this new bowling place in the city, and there is food and alcohol and bowling shoes and air hockey and even maybe a karaoke machine! perhaps stupidly, i've already convinced myself and everyone else that i have no shame and will sing karaoke (badly) in hopes of breaking the ice and making everyone else feel better about getting up to drunkenly slur out some cheesy love ballad.
tis miz chii's 22nd birthday tomorrow. unfortuanately she is coming down with something and is all achey,sick and stuff, so it looks like any surprise birthday activities will have to be put off for tomorrow nite. dont feel bad rach, when i say surprise, i really mean surprise. i still have no idea what i wanted to do, and was going to wait for the creativity that comes with free alcohol at work to kick in before i made any decisions.
it was elle's 21st birthday on monday, and despite my better judgement, i went knowing i would have a good time.... damnit, TOO good a time. i have no self-discipline when i'm drinking, and i turned down my lift back to brisbane (as the party/dinnner was an hour away at the gold coast, ON A MONDAY NITE! ie work the next day), i turned down my life home in order to stay on and party on. *shakes head* when will i learn?

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

miss carrot cake and i are planning to do a massive clean out of our respective houses, and are going to get up at an ungodly hour to take our second hand crap to the Rocklea Flea markets on sunday. hopefully, i can make a bit of extra cash in time for this xmas crap, as well as make some room in the apartment for when i have to get new flatmates. at the moment my stuff is EVERYWHERE... BOTH bedrooms, the hallway cupboards are spilling out into the hallway, my wardrobe is overflowing. and most of it is crap i never use, dont need, have no idea why i am still hanging onto it. and with all the other changes in my life, i figure i might as well do a massive big clean out, and try to get my life somehow organized. listen to me, i sound all positive and motivated "lets use this time of pain and hurting, and focus it to something useful- throw out anything with bad associations, memories which cause pain and sadness." maybe it'll be good feng shui or something, organizing things, for once in my life, NOT hoarding useless crap and actually throwing things away. perhaps an happy and clutterfree vibe at home will flow into my personal life, and all that nonsense.

ramble ramble ramble.....

MOTHERFUCKER my tea is cold. i hate when i forget about it. haha speaking of clutterfree-ness i should really tidy my desk. i've got random crap lying around everywhere. somehow i've managed to end up with the binoculars at my desk (binoculars used by the boys to perv on the hot backpackers sunbathing on the roof of the backpackers hotel). heh. however depsite all the clutter and crap i have here, i only have one personal item which is one photo. mm i need to bring in some... stuff... toys/figurines/posters? not really my thing.. well maybe the poster idea.

i must thank david for telling me to listen to Skunk Anansie- i am absolutely loving her voice, and have been listening to all the songs here at work for days now. where i have been the last 10 years? so much good music, i was completely oblivious to. listening to music non-stop at work, i mean, REALLY listening to it, has beeen so awesome. the past few years, i just haven't really listened to music like i used to in high school.
ok enough rambling. we'll see if drinking at work tomorrow nite inspires some more blogging. we'll see!

12.11.04 | mobLOG

i must have looked so stupid on the bus. the only way i could stop tears from rolling down my face was to crank up Vogue loudly on my ipod and dance and sing along to it in my head. which ment my feet were tapping and my head was bopping, while i tried not to cry.

life still sucks and that's why i haven't written anything in ages. i dont know what to write. i feel like i've been depressed and mopey for so long already, and i'm just going to go on and on about the same things. 'i am depressed, my life sucks, i miss steve, i feel like i made the hugest mistake of my life, i regret everything, i want to make things right again but i know there is no way he would ever take me back. oh but i can put on a brave face for everyone, coz i am sure they are sick of hearing me whine'.

things were actually kind of ok recently, and i really was doing ok as long as i didn't think about it for too long. we talked, we hung out, things were nice. i was feeling ok, i was feeling strong, i felt like it was right and things were going to be ok. and then last nite- i honestly can't be assed to go into details, but my slowly healing heart has just been torn out, torn up, chewed up and shat out again. actually fuck my heart, its my god damn stomach that is the problem. i feel like i could vomit at any second, my throat closes over, i woke up every hour last nite, i couldn't eat anything this morning. i'm on the verge of crying but tears just aren't really coming.

this is the kind of pain that criples you. it makes me want to lie at home and do nothing. it makes me want to hand over my bank card to the closest drug dealer and let them pump me full of something that will distract me, if only temporarily. and i would. i would go out, fucked off my head tonight if i wasnt so scared of the come down and how much worse i would feel. even in my darkest hour i am still thinking sensibily (sorta). lying on the couch in pain is so much more unbearable without steve there to keep me company, give me a hug and tell me things are ok. then again, was he always there to do that? probably not, i can barely remember. all my issues with our relationship are growing fainter with every churn of my twisted stomach. wouldnt it be better to have someone who was sometimes, but not always there for me, rather than nothing?

this is the kind of pain that makes me wish i would be inspiring if i was really creative and talented. this is the kind of pain that writes great songs, or creates great things. if only i could somehow take this pain and do something useful with it, or if my pain could express itself in some other way then nausea.

4.11.04 | mobLOG

oh my god i want to throw up. i'm researching shit on maternity clothes and reading all these women going on and on about their swelling bellies, its scaring me. but not for the reason you may think. a couple of times i've caught myself with a stupid, half smile on my face while reading about these woman and their pregnancies. and i'm finding some of the maternity clothes NICE (mind you its coz they are worn by hot, sexy, skinny women who haven't gained an ounce of weight). "ooh i want to be one of those stylish, modern pregnant women... WTF AM I SAYING?!?!?!" ARGH i want to throw up and purge all these nasty, horrible MATERNAL thoughts. get out you filthy things. i dont want children, i dont want to lose my girlish figure. fuck i haven't even got the figure i want yet (that's what the gym is for).
then i go back to forums and groups and read about the women who were 250 pounds BEFORE they were pregnant and who claim no one even realized they were pregnant! hahahah. is that a baby in your tummy or are you just a big fat porker?

the last few days in a nutshell- i am still swinging back and forth between 'coping well, hating males' and 'omg,iamsopatheticanduselesswithoutamaninmylife'. one second i'm fine, and dont give a shit, then next i'm a teary mess, regretting everything.
my sister is going to sydney today for 2 weeks, as sort of a job trial thing. she's wanting to live on this horse property in the hunter valley and work with the horses and all that country/bush junk. so she's going down to stay at the place to see if she likes it, if they like her etc etc. this all happened really fast, and i'm scared of her leaving. especially since i'll still be living with steve. i need her as support, as a reminder that i can cope, i'm fine, i'll get thru this. but it looks like she will be leaving. but not officially til just after the new year. then steve is moving out about mid-january. so i'll be looking for 2, maybe 3 new flatmates. a big part of me doesn't want to do the sharehouse thing again, coz i've had some crap flatmates in the past. but perhaps this could work? if i have to live with strangers, then i'm going to be super duper picky. female, early-mid 20's, working full time/professional. it could be good to have some more females in my life. nony has been my female companion for the past year and i'm so used to having her around all the time.
they also have to be outgoing, or at least sociable. i dont want to live with a 'stranger'. i want the people i live with to be people i'm comfortable with, i can talk to, sometimes socialise with. i want my house to be a HOME, somewhere i feel comfortable. i hate feeling like you never get to know the people you live with, and you all tip toe around trying not to get in the others way. hell, you have to live together, you share the living space, you pay the same bills, perhaps eat the same food. i want someone i can talk to, i dont want awkwardness.
yea probably asking too much i know. but oh well. i so wish i could go back to 2001-2002 when rach and i lived in the crappy old queenslander. that was the best party house. but i'm definately over the skanky student sharehouse thing and after being in a unit i couldn't go back to an old house.
if anyone in brisbane knows of anyone looking for a place to live in mid-january let me know. i'm going to put up some ads on brisbane exchange and flatmate.com.au (or something like that) soon when i know exactly what is happening with nony.

tuesday was melbourne cup (biggest horse race in australia, and practically the whole nation stops for it). we had a huge lunch here at work and got into the champagne. we all hung around til the end of work, having a few drinks and just hanging out. afterwards a few stayed back and watched another episode of Dead Like Me (can we say obsessed much?). Then it got to 8pm and i decided to head home and snuggle up on the couch with some red wine and watch the OC... but NOOOOO it was not to be. i rang nony, who was out with our cousin, cindy. so i met them out at the fringe bar and..... drank more! eeeeep. altho i was home and in bed my 12, i was rotten drunk. i woke up on wednesday with the worse hangover. i dont konw how i got thru the day, it was pretty painful. and THIS is why drinking on week nights is not a good idea. heh.

29.10.04 | mobLOG

i'm in love with this guy. the one, the only, the horrible chauvanistic, and utter pig, tucker max. i can't stop reading his site and i am close to wetting my pants with every story (not like that, filthy minded one). if you haven't read his stuff, then go now and read! its so disgusting and filthy and sooo sooo great. mind you, if i really met him in real life i would probably hate him because i'm sure i would not rate that great in his female rating system (probably a 3) and he would no doubt make fun of me and be a complete cunt and i would be one of the many girls to cry/scream/storm off after talking to him. but seriously, everyone go to his site from my links so he'll see me in his referrers and when/if i get my shit together and go to nth america (ie canada, but travel to the states) i can convince him to meet up with me and take me out drinking, coz 1) i'm fun, 2) i'm australian and 3) i'm a internet celebrity or something. he's kinda cute in an assholeish way and i'm sure given enough alcohol i would be like every other female and stupidly shag him, but now, semi-sober (drinking at work) i say no! i dont want to shag him but want to tag along and witness his bastardly attitude to everyone, and chuckle and laugh and take pics for my site. *sigh* he would be fun.
so yea, that's one of my many things to do- meet tucker max and tag along and watch him be a complete shit head to everyone. another thing i always said i wanted to do if i got to the states was contact the bang bus people and ask if i can come for a ride. i would so never do anything but i'm such a voyeur i just want to watch and try not to laugh. god is bang bus still around? mmm well, back to drinking at work.

28.10.04 | mobLOG

my god i'm going blog crazy! well obviously i need more shit to stress about and keep me up at nights, because i have a mole on my chest that is sore and i swear its got bigger, like its filled up more. i only noticed it was sore the other day- like i had scratched it or something but i dont think i have. i dont remember it being this big either. so i'm off to the doctors on the weekend to get it checked out. might as well get the freaky coloured one on my ear checked too. yay for being covered in moles. i remember as kids we used to love to try and count the moles on dad's back. he's had heaps and heaps removed, cut out.

*sigh* nony is freaking me out saying it shoudln't be sore and that this is a bad sign. great. my second brush with the big C. tho she says it doesnt hurt (she had one cut out of her arm, they had to cut pretty deep and then her stitches split so she has this huge cool looking scar on her bicep). but i dont want a big freaky scar right on my cleavage!!!! *cry*

oh and the freaky one on my ear, its like behind my ear. you can only see it if my hair is tied back. and its a funny colour- like blue-ish. people would always ask if i had drawn on myself with a black marker or something. but i've had it checked many times and its not.... gah.... cancerous. fuck even typing the word is scary. i should probably get my boobs checked as well, coz i have no idea how to check myself. and rach was saying how more and more people seem to be getting boob cancer. ooh maybe they can remove both my boobs and then i'll get them replaced with fake ones! ok, not funny to joke about, but yay! i want fake boobs hahahah.

27.10.04 | mobLOG

if this wasn't such a big deal i would be laughing. i dont know how i can make things worse, but i some how keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me? i am acting like the biggest fucking bitch, a fucking psycho bitch, i am losing control of everything. i guess the 'bottle it up and put on a happy face' routine doesn't work forever. i am embarassed and ashamed of everything i keep doing, this is so not like me. i have never hated myself but i'm coming awfully close to now, with every day another stupid things. all i want to do is make things better, to take everything back, yet i keep saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things, saying things for no reason but to hurt. i dont want to hurt anyway, so why am i doing this?
its like i've lost control of my mind. i can't see straight, and my mouth opens before i can stop it. words tumble out, with no thought or regret. i can't think of anything else but this. i am barely functioning, having sleepless nights, struggling to eat anything. tho dont worry, i'm not starving. i do get a couple of hours peace at work, usually around lunch time. just talking to everyone, watching dead like me. for that hour i am calm and my stomach stops its flipping long enough for me to eat. and boy do i eat. then its back to my computer, and back to feeling like i'm going to vomit, dabbing at my eyes discreetly every time they fill up. my 'refuse to cry' playlist isn't working at all. even 'chop suey' and 'diirty' make me teary. wtf.
yea, we do have 6ft under on aussie tv. season 4 is playing on the tv at the moments and i've been watching it faithfully every monday. i actually missed season 3, and was confused as all fuck when season 4 started. but a quick read thru some online episode guides and i was kinda up to speed. yes, i'm sure nip/tuck was on tv, but i didn't watch it much.

26.10.04 | mobLOG

all the great advice i've been given. why didn't i listen to it? i didnt count to 10 before doing anything emotional. i just wanted him to feel something, to show me he was hurting too, i dont know what i did, but i was wrong. i fucked up big time. not that i was ever going to be forgiven beforehand, but i know he never will now. i have never been this emotional, but all the sleepless nights (and i NEVER have sleeping problems, not matter how stressed i am), the inability to eat, the crying. its all piled up and made me this emotional wreck. this psychotic, emotional wreck. i wish i could turn off all these feelings, because i feel like i'm coming undone. i really am a fucking mess. i shouldn't have pushed as hard as i did, to make him open up to me. coz he still hasn't, and never will. i just have to accept that i was never that person for him. are you reading this steve? i know you are. i am so sorry.
i feel like, i wouldn't like me if i met me - tegan and sara lyrics. that about sums it up.

i know i can be clingy and jealous and overbearing. of course i never was this before. because i was the aloof one, the one who needed space, and wanted to do my own thing. its funny how you can be one thing for so long, and then suddenly you meet someone and they take on that role instead, and you are left being the clingy, jealous, needy one. i've seen friends go from being the needy one in one relationship, to being the aloof, space wanting one in another.
is that what all relationships are made up of? one clingy, needy one (usually the girl), and one aloof, space-needing one (usually the guy)? i hate being the 'girl', i was always the guy, i was always the one that didn't want to be tied down, that wanted freedom. i hate myself for becoming this pathetic, little bitch. i wish i could be strong and play his game. i wish i could ignore him and pretend i wasnt dying inside, i wish i could hide my feelings and be strong, and aloof, and hold a grudge, and pretend that i dont miss him with all my heart and that every time i see him i want to just hold him and kiss him and make everything ok. i wish that i didn't cry non-stop, i wish my heart didn't feel like it was broken, i wish i didn't picture him in someone else's arms every time he leaves, or doesnt come home. i wish he could find the 'spark' with me. i wish he was able to express his feelings, i wish that he could have opened up to me, i wish that we could have grown together and things were still great between us

on a completely unrelated note, (which i need to get onto before anyone at work knows i'm crying),we have started watching "Dead Like Me" at work, and although i've only watched 2 episodes, i'm absolutely loving it. makes me wonder how many other GREAT tv shows we just are not getting here in australia. god i wish i could move to the states. but i am still realy wanting to move to canada, that is the plan and i wish time would hurry up so it could be 2006 already. i probably should really start looking into this, to start making this plan happen. so far, the saving thing is going quite well. but i'm not sure where to start.... i guess i need to work out what visa i will need, and how i need to apply for it, if i need to have work lined up before going over there, or if i have to get a tourist visa first, and then apply for a working one while over there. if anyone can help me out, coz i have looked at a couple of sites (a while ago now) and it was all jibberish to me, please email me livian(at)muntedmess.com. cheers!

20.10.04 | mobLOG

NOTHING UP AT THE MOMENT BUT MORE OF MY CLOTHES FOR SALE SOON

UPDATE: and on a totally unrelated note, which is both disgusting and yet strangely fascinating, i give you....... THE BABY JESUS BUTTPLUG!

and did you know that no western woman is fit to marry? we're all fucked in the head. you need a subserviant chick from a 2nd/3rd world country who knows where her place is- at home, cooking and cleaning and sucking her hubby's dick whenever he damn well pleases. no seriously, check out this guy. what a complete fuckstick. yet another reason why i'm so turning gay.

life as i know it, is over.

dramatic? yes. but you know what? fuck you all coz this is a fucking big deal to me and i've had my emotions belittled enough already. i MAY be a bitch and i may be the fuck up but these are my emotions and they are all i have. so it might be petty to you, but it means the world to me.

steve and i are no more. its been a long time coming, i dont think either of us was overly happy for a long time- but we were comfortable and that comfort was a security blanket for me. no idea honestly how he feels and if it could have been worked through, because of my utter stupidity. but i'm not going to go into it. i'm not going to cry on here. if you want my raw, blubbering, emotional verbal spewage, you can find that at my LiveJournal<. friends only (which translates to anyone who DOESN'T know me in real life).

so yea, its over. a few weeks shy of 3 years. what a mess. there goes the most important thing in my life. along with probably more than half of my "friends". i understand, loyalty is important to me too. if i met you through steve, i dont expect to be hanging out. and that's cool. i'll deal.

what scares me most is now what? i've been rhi and steve for so long,i've forgotten how to be just rhi. is it like this with every breakup? coz fuck, if it is, then i never want to date someone seriously for the rest of my life. its just too fucking scary, realizing that you love them, but its no longer working. who are these people that have 'good' breakups? where are you? are you a myth? is it possible to do? coz fuck, someone needs to write a book.

16.10.04 | mobLOG

NOTHING UP AT THE MOMENT BUT MORE OF MY CLOTHES FOR SALE SOON

well its my birthday and i'll be hungover if i want to. and cry.
had a great night last nite with the usual friday nite work crew- we hung over for nachos and funny dvd's and UNO challenges. and they even got me a cake which nearly reduced me to tears- we have birthday morning tea once a month for everyone who's birthday it is, but they still got me a cake! awwwww, even tho i dont eat cake :D hahaha but i did make an exception for this one, and its probably the only thing that is saving me from being bed ridden all day long.

then we went out to Caesars, where they have dancing bar staff. i so wish that place had been open when i was working at a bar. i want to be a hot dancing bar girl! a few Quick Fucks later (its a shot! get your mind out of the gutter you perv hehehe) and too many Smirnoff Blacks (you'll remember those from other posts- they are my kryponite, tho i never seem to learn), we were dancing around poles and having a good time.
heather disappeared after a bit and i didn't get her message til way later as there is NO mobile phone reception downstairs at caesars. *cough*cadburry*cough* hehehe but its all good.

anyway, the rest of the night just gets more drunken, and ends in tears, but i wont go into that. i still had a fabulous night out, and wish it was friday nite all over again. i'll see how i feel tonight, whether i drag mum out tonight for a few or not. but its not the same, friday nights are my night! i love everyone at work and i love the good vibe on a friday.
anyways, overall this birthday is going ok so far (its nearly 11am) as i'm sitting up and able to talk. i thought i would be alot more wrecked. at least i should be all good for some shopping tomorrow. in need of some decent summer work clothes, and i'm going to treat myself to some retail therapy. fuck it, its my birthday, i deserve it.

mum will be here soon, and that means all my hair is going. i will no doubt take cam pics as it happens, but yea look out for a shorter haired rhi sometime soon.
til then, signing off from another trivial post, while ignoring all the real shit going on in my life. but who'd want to talk about that?

11.10.04 | mobLOG

MORE CLOTHES WORN BY ME. MMMMM GET YOURS NOW

god damn i wish it was the weekend already. i'm kinda excited that my birthday is so close, altho i'm not actually doing anything for it. and i'm so dying to get a hair cut. its just gotten long and retarded looking and doesnt do anything fun. i want sexy hair again! and it'll be nice having mum here- always means the house get cleaner and i feel like a kid all over again.
but its still only monday, ergh. the weekend just flew by way too quickly! why does it always do that? the whole 'build up' to the weekend means i always overdo it friday nite and then spend the rest of the weekend recovering, and this weekend was no different. friday night was classic- i so love everyone at work even tho they are turning me into a city slut. i am loving it tho- total trashy nights with too much alcohol and bad dancing.
anyway i would love to share all the gory details of the great night which was friday, but office gossip could be bad hehe. the night ended with a couple of us going back up to work to pick up bags and stuff and somehow we thought laying down on the floor would be a good idea. talked for awhile, but guess who passed out? one hour later, and one person less, i woke up so disorientated and freaked. i was sleeping on the floor at work, wtf? anyway, i could have so easily passed out again on the couches, but forced myself downstairs, in a cab and then in my comfy warm bed.

i vow not to let this friday be that messy, but fuck i hope everyone comes out again, coz damnit its my birthday and i want to party hard. my life is feeling more and more like human traffic tho with way less drugs and a better job. work hard, party even harder.

hmm well that's about it. drinking heavily, passing out, feeling seedy and working, that's my life in a nutshell. nothing blog worthy.... that i can talk about! ;) 5 days til i'm old.

03.10.04 | mobLOG

BUY MY CLOTHES SO YOU CAN DRESS UP LIKE ME

UPDATE: ok in response to a few comments (thanks by the way for everyone's input). sir rich- yea but i'm not like those chicks. i'm soft and feminine and squishy all over. i need to be hard and muscley and have wide shoulder and no boob0rz, and then i could pull off the hot chick with shaved head look.

yanny- yes, the first time it got cut the top wasn't short enough. when it got cut shorter again (when it was blond) the top got shorter, which was cool. i agree, i miss that, spikey is great. but yes, there is a part of me that's scared to chop off all my bangs, and have the really short ones (ie tegan in the photo below). i dont know if i have the face for it. i dont have the cute little features and pixie face. and having bangs- its like a security blanket some times. half my face is covered heh. however the approaching hot weather makes me think short is the way to go.

ben- i definately like the red and black too. but will it be too hot in summer having dark hair, which attracts the heat? am i just over-analysing this too much? probably. blond feels like a summer colour tho, but i dont want to go blond. maybe i'll do really dark, almost black and really blond chunks. which i can then dye red if i want.

oh i'm dying, i can't stop coughing. this is horrid, i am in so much pain. *dies*

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ok when the fuck did it become october? god have i been hibernating or something? time is just flying by, and its already the best month of the year. 13 days til my birthday. i dont have too many birthdays left to be happy about. its all a downhill ride from here. next thing you know i'll be 25 and half way to 30 and shit, that will be scary. for those of you playing at home, my birthday is 16th October which is a saturday night yay. i haven't had a saturday birthday in ages, so i guess i should go out and get properly wasted and try to scab as many free drinks as i can.
then again, it is the worst time ever for a few of my friends (aka exam time) so i'm sure no one will be able to do anything anyway, so maybe i'll sit at home and drink by myself like usual.

so what's been happening lately? nothing except after my 'sick'day, i really did get sick and i am the phlegm queen. last nite (sat) i layed on the couch almost in tears because it hurt to breath, it hurt to cough, there was blood on my tissue when i blew my nose (i know, what the fuck is that all about? you'd think i'd been snorting something illegal, but i swear I WASNT!!!! truthfully, i wasn't). steve rubbed my legs and we had take out which i could hardly eat (but man it made nice left overs today!). i think i passed out on the couch or went to bed, but next thing i know its sunday (what a boring waste of a saturday night), and my chest isn't hurting nearly as bad, tho when i first got up my throat was making funny noises when i breathed in and out, like there was too much shit in there. but i've been hacking up chunks all day which must mean i'm on the mend, kinda.
steve is working all day, and nony is out, so i had a lazy shower and hacked at my hair with a pair of scissors, mostly out of boredom. despite the mess in the sink, it hardly looks like i've done anything. shorter sides, but not even noticeable. i dont have the guts to really really hack at it. plus i know mum will be down on my birthday, which means a proper hair cut and colour.

again, i'm not sure what i should get done. i look back at photos of my hair when it was really short and i think that was cool. i miss having shorter bits on top that i could spike up. but i'm not wanting to go that blond again. i think i'll skip the red this time and just go a mix of really dark brown bits and really blond bits. but then i look at pics from YEARS ago and i do kinda miss long hair. but i am still wanting to keep it shorter around my face, with a fringe (bangs) but that is going to suck big time in summer. it gets so hot that either it has to be long and tied up or short.

and then...... dont laugh...... i am considering the trendy mullet that two hot canadians have brought back into fashion. probably tegan's more than sara's. click for a huge photo. tegan is on the left btw.

could i pull off a fringe that short? i dont really know.

ok bored, i've made a picture to help me sort thru my hair thoughts.

looking back, i dont think i want long hair again. the red and black combo was really cool, and the shorter red and black cut was very cool. the real short blond looks so awesome in some photos. but i dont think i want to go that blond again. but spikey hair was fun! i dont know *cry* i'm so bad at making decisions. help!!!! i know its just hair, but ergh.

ok i'm hungry, and i have a terrible taste in my mouth from coughing up my lungs. blah! we have to food tho and nony said we'd go shopping today except the bitch hasn't come home!!!!!!! DIEE~~~!!!!