while things with the boy have never been better, as we're quickly approaching the one year anniversary, i'm starting to feel lonely when it comes to friends. of course i'm not really lonely as i have a great boyfriend and awesome flatmate who are the best company (and always reliable) whether i feel like a big night out or just lazing around the house. but i just feel i'm being distanced from friends... both my fault and theirs. i do love spending time with the boy, and people are always busy with work, busy with other friends, stressed out, freaking out, not wanting to go out or socialise (with me? or with everyone? i never know)...

i sincerely feel like i do keep trying, or at least DID try, and as a result of being turned down, i end up spending all my time with the boy. then it seems like i only want to do things with him, and people dont include me or just assume i wouldn't want to hang out with them, so then i just make plans with the boy because i can always count on him....its turning into a big ugly circle and i feel like i'm drifting further and further away.

i miss having a best friend. i guess i'm just living in the past too much and not accepting that people change and friendships evolve and most times its not the way you want.

what brought on this emo rant? i think my hormones are a bit whacky atm. Probably PMS... this is the first month i've been off the pill in .... god..... 5 years? so who knows what my hormones are doing (i've had to go off the pill leading up to the surgery), and i watched Grosse Point Blank today and it got me thinking about my high school reunion in 2008, and whether we'll have one and how it would be catching up with my friends from high school.
and it made me sad to realize i've lost contact with all of my best friends from high school. there was 7 of us- 1 moved to sydney, 1 stayed in bundy and the other 4 and myself moved to brisbane... i always felt like i drifted away sooner than the others. i sometimes wish i hadn't.
i wanted to stay in touch with fiona more than the others, but she's such a free spirit, a social butterfly and just so darn popular with everyone, it always felt like an uphill battle to gain her attention.

i feel the same way now with other people in my life.

how crazy is this- not more than a couple of weeks since announcing the upcoming surgery and I've been contacted by a journalist from my home town's local newspaper, The Bundaberg Newsmail. She asked if I would be interested in doing a story about the upcoming operation. She explained they have run a couple of stories about new surgeons or new surgeries now offered in Bundaberg but its always been just from the doctors perspective and they have not had a "human face" to go along with the story (perhaps because people in Bundy are still a bit hesistant to openly talk about plastic surgery). They're also interested because I'm coming TO bundy to have the surgery, where as most people go TO Brisbane or to a bigger city. Of course my main reason is because my parents live there.

I wanted to check with mum first, because the town is so small and pretty much everyone will be able to piece together who I am, who my parents are etc. But she was ok with it, as long as I was. I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing, in fact I'm proud of it. So I agreed to the article. How crazy!

Ahhh the internet and this site. It brings me pain sometimes, but every so often it redeems itself.

hahahah, I thought I loved this song before... but after seeing the film clip my love for it has grown enormously.

check out the video


And here it is on YouTube, and here's two random girls copying this video. oh man I want to do aerobics now!

I do plan to take photos of myself before and after and I will be more than happy to share them with everyone who reads my site. I think it is an interesting topic and whether you know me in real life, have read my site for years or don't know me at all, I think people might be interested to read about and share the experience as it progresses. There might be people out there who are also considering similar surgeries and my journal could help them understand what to expect and what the results will be like, scars and all.

Of course there will always be some dicks - "lol omg bewbs". But oh well, I'll just try to ignore them.

But yeah, I haven't taken the before photos yet. HOWEVER, in my months of research I've saved a collection of before/after photos that look similar to myself. I found when looking for breast reduction before/after photos, most of the women were very very large, and I didn't feel like these were good examples of what I could expect.

So I kept hunting. I found a few women who were younger and around my age, and who weren't that overweight to begin with. Women about my height and weight. I found numerous photos of women with boobs similar to mine, and I was pleased with most of their after photos.
So here are a couple of before/after photo examples. These are NOT me!!! But they are a good example of what my body looks like sans clothes.



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Posted by reanon to Breast Reduction Journal at 5/18/2006 02:09:00 PM

I've mentioned the surgery before, but now its all really happening I've set up a seperate category for all posts related to my upcoming breast reduction. The posts will be posted in the main blog, but will also be found in the Breast Reduction journal (a link will be appearing in the menu shortly). In typical blogger fashion, I plan to record the whole experience in blog form with plenty of photos.

In just under 5 weeks I'll be going home to Bundaberg and will be undergoing a breast reduction surgery (reduction mammaplasty) as well as some liposuction on my hips, outer thighs and inner thighs. I will be taking 3 or 4 weeks off work, and will spend the first two weeks recovering in Bundy at my mum's place. I will come back home in the 3rd week, and hopefully if feeling well enough I plan to go back to work at the start of the 4th week... but I'll take the 4th week off if I need it.

Why am I doing this?
Ok first the stats: currently, I'm 162cm (5"3), 57kg (125 lbs) and my bra size is 12D. I'm 24 years old.

I was always smallish/short growing up, and was a very late developer, but a combination of late puberty and living overseas saw me pile on a few kilograms and I went from a perky B cup to a full D cup. Over the last few years I have lost most of the weight but my boobs are still a D cup, though they are losing their perkiness too. Gravity is a harsh mistress.

Thanks to my genes, I've got extremely narrow shoulders and wider hips. I'm quite pear shaped. Although I'm not overweight and therefore not drastically out of proportion, a quick look at alot of my relatives and its clear that this pear-shape runs in the family (dad's side anyway). Like so many other females, I'm prone to weight gain around my thighs, hips and bum, and even with exercise I've got small fat deposits at the top of my inner thighs, my outer thighs/bum and my hips/love handles- fat that is really quite stubborn and has refused to move so far with diet and exercise.
Because of this "bottom heavy" figure, I've always been semi-thankful for the D cup boobs, because it helps to balance me out.

But as the years go by, and gravity is more and more harsh, I have really starting resenting my boobs. I wear sports bras that minimise all the time. I wear multiple bras when at the gym. Strapless tops are out of the question as strapless bras dont hold me up well enough. I live in a horribly hot state, and would love to be able to wear spaghetti strap tops/strapless tops and not feel limited by the ugly super-duper-support bras I wear.

October last year I made an appointment at a local Brisbane plastic surgeon for a consultation. Initially I was just after a breast lift, but as the doctor explained a lift would only temporarily solve the problem. After maybe a couple of years my boobs would be just as saggy because we hadn't solved the real problem which was the weight of these things. A reduction was the way to go.

A few months and lots of consideration later, I had decided to go for another consultation with a different surgeon- this one located in Bundaberg, which is where my parents both live. It would make more sense to have the surgery in my home town so mum could look after me for longer- as I will be quite incapacitated for a while (inability to lift my airs for a few days etc.)

This consultation went very well, and I felt really pleased with everything. I hadn't told anyone at this point, but I had been thinking about liposuction as well, and when I brought it up with the surgeon he agreed. A breast reduction would leave me feeling bottom heavy, so we spoke about the option of lipo.

I hadn't done alot of research about liposuction at this point, but I learnt that lipo is not the answer for quick weight loss. In fact if you are more than 15kg over your "ideal" weight then lipo is not the answer. Rather it is for these areas of fat that exercise and diet doesn't seem to affect. The doctor was positive about the results I could expect, and I decided to get both proceedures done.

So yeah, that's a bit of a explanation about why I want to do this. Monday June 19th is the day of the operation. *gulp*

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Posted by reanon to Breast Reduction Journal at 5/17/2006 04:52:00 AM

I went and saw Flamingo Crash play at the Troubador last night. They were amazing! David had seem them support a couple of bands last year and couldn't stop raving about them. Then the other week I caught their latest film clip on Rage and really dug their sound so when I found out their EP Launch was last night, I couldn't resist!

I took my newly fixed dv cam to film the gig. Alas the Troubador is not a great venue for my poor little dv cam. Unlike most venues, the stage area is not well lit at all. The lights are very dull and don't really face the stage area. To make it worse, the band had a backdrop behind them and some really groovy videos projected up on the screen. It looked awesome, but made it even harder for my camera. So the footage isn't that great :(

I also worry that my dv cam is not really equipped to handle dark, dingy venues. The camera I borrowed and used to film the Medicine Show last month was pretty darn sweet. It only looked like a couple of models better/more expensive than my camera, but that extra grunt is probably the difference between being able to film in dark venues and not.

Anyways, the Flamingo Crash are playing an instore at Skinnys Music shop next saturday so I think I'll go along to that. Being a brightly lit store, the dv cam should be able to handle that no worries.

They are seriously my new favourite Brisbane band - check them out, Myspace, Official Site.

The evening was also my first time out at a pub/club/venue since quitting smoking. I wanted to ease into it, so last night was the perfect time to give this non-smoking thing a go out in public. I had my non-smoker boy with me for extra support and only had one drink. There were so many people around us smoking, and at first I would see girls smoking and kinda get a bit edgy and restless. But as the night wore on and these girls right beside us kept chain smoking, I was getting more and more disgusted. They were also pretty drunk and rowdy which made it easy to find all their behaviour disgusting. They all kept lighting up, one after the other. I didn't need to smoke, after a couple of hours beside them, I felt like I had smoked half a dozen cigarettes with them.
Oh man, I just know I'm going to be one of those intolerant non-smokers. The type who glares at smokers who light up in my presence. Who cough loudly and noticeably when their smoke wafts over into my area. Haha who am I kidding, I'm already that person!!! Even when I was a smoker, if I was walking/standing behind someone in the street and they started breathing their filthy smoke all over me, I would also start coughing loudly and glare as I passed them.

Its been about 6 days and its going ok. The first couple of mornings felt wierd... after breakfast I'd hover around the lounge room/dining room, feeling like I had to do something before going to have a shower, but that feeling is slowly passing.

Friday - I had a glass of red wine at lunch time, but didn't feel like a cigarette as we walked back to the office. Being around people, and non-smokers makes it alot easier. But after work, I had a few more drinks and the urges started. I stayed back at the office til about 8pm, and that helped (I dont usually smoke when at work- its too much of a hassle to go down 10 floors), but I got home about 8.30pm and Cindy was out.... I still felt slightly buzzed from the few drinks and I was home alone. This has always been my biggest smoking time.. well no, going out to a club/pub and drinking is where I will smoke the most. But smoking when home alone is definitely close second.

I caved and rolled a cigarette. I lit up and had a couple of quick puffs and then felt so guilty, I stubbed it out and ran inside to have a shower. Once I'm showered and in my pj's I'm not likely to have a cigarette (I don't want to go to bed smelling of smoke). As I ran to the shower, I totally had a head spin!!!! It could have also been the booze, and lack of food, but part of it was definitely the nicotine head spin. It's been years since I've felt that, and I have to admit I felt pretty sick in my stomach.

The rest of the weekend I steered clear of alcohol, as I know it will only lead to me wanting to smoke. I kept busy, and spent lots of time with the Boy (non-smoker and asthmatic, so he's the best deterrent) and didn't crave a smoke once. Not even when his sister and friend were lighting up.

RESPONSE TO COMMENT & EMAILS: Why don't I go on patches? Honestly, I dont think I'm really addicted to the nicotine. I was smoking at most, 2 cigarettes at day during the week. of course the weekend was my blow out time - I'd smoke so many when I was out and drinking... its mostly a mental thing... smoking a cigarette was somethign to do with my hands, something to do when bored, something to do when angry/stressed.

Shouldn't I reset the counter? I figure a momentary lapse is to be expected when going cold turkey. It's not like I took up smoking again, it was just a lapse. A moment of weakness.

I'm not going to beat myself up about it, feel like I've failed etc. I stopped myself after a few puffs and naturally felt pretty disgusted in myself. But rather than sulking or thinking "fuck it, I might as well smoke again", I'm just going to keep on going. Think about what lead me to lapsing, and try to stop it from happening again in the future.
Of course, I'm not going to cop out and let myself continually get away with sneaking an occasional cigarette here and there. If I lapse again, smoke more than a cigarette etc etc, I might reset the counter.
But the counter is counting how many days since I QUIT smoking. I had still quit even when I had those few puffs, I didn't take it up again, so the counter is still valid.