EDIT: photos from easter up now.

what a fucking crazy night. the afternoon/evening starting at the Bargara Pub for drinks (everyone) and pokies (the older women and men) and horse race gambling (the older men), then a good dinner at the pub (but someone obviously didn't eat enough for din din's)...then home to get ready to go out. Off we go, driving into town. Nony (sister) and I get out at Mel's house while Cindy and Holly drop their mum back at their granddad's place. Nony is usually the designated driver (by choice) as she loves driving, is a total bogan and car freak etc. BUT Cindy instead offered to drive so that ment nony could drink. Out comes the bottle of tequilla which I happily decline and shots are had. MANY shots. I'm kicking a ball around with Mia, the pet dog so I didn't really pay attention to my little booze hound of a sister, sculling shot after shot. many shots and almost a whole lemon later, the cousins arrive back to pick us up. Mind you, this was only about 20-30 minutes after they dropped us off. Obviously she is drunk, and is a completely different person when she is drunk. she's touchier, friendlier... i would say funnier but alas, she is usually piss funny, but she does have the drunk and entertaining factor about her.

By this stage dinner is completely digested for me and I actually sober as or close enough to it. Plus I'm an alcoholic so a little bit pissy- not an issue. Nony, however hasn't drunk ANYTHING since new years, and she has now just downed half a bottle of vile, foul tequilla.

So arrive at the Central, Nony and Mel lag behind chatting and being drunk and silly. They ditch us, and cousins and I chill out in the beer garden bopping away to the live band, then we cruise back inside and have a bit of a boogie on the edge of the dance floor. I spy a few people I know from high school days but no one I'd want to actually make eye contact and then conversation with. And to be honest, my heart is just not in it. I got up very early (for me) so by 10pm I'm getting pretty pooped. The first vodka is already pumping through my veins, warming my inner most organs, but its just not having the usual, fun loving, 'i want to party' effect. But i'm not one to give up without a fight so I quickly down a second one. After having already broken the seal at the pub earlier, I visit the overcrowded female toilets and again avoid eye contact with someone who looks very familiar and keeps looking at me like she's going to start conversation any minute now.

I exit just as Stuart (the other cousin, Abby's ex-boyfriend, father of little Jordan- aka Jordanavitch, Little Vitchy, Fez, Feral, Sheral, Lilly) is informing the other two that nony is sick in the front bar and really needs to be taken home. Mel comes over and says to me that she'll look after her, she is really really sick. Suddenly I remember the effects half a bottle of tequilla has had on me in the past and I start to panic. We find her on the couch- bouncer trying to hold her head up from the table, bartender with mop in hand trying to mop up her mess. oh shit..... ok we'll i guess on the upside, this is my excuse to go home early.

Mel and I grab either side of her, apologise to the bouncer and try to drag her out of there. Unfortuantely the fact that she's 180 centimetres tall and mel and I are about 5'3, and she's HORRIBLY drunk doesn't help us out. Cindy goes to get the car and we sit her down on the park bench and she vomits a little more. I have to struggle to hold her up so she won't fall head first into her own vomit. She starts making funny noises and crying and mumbling about sleep, but when the car arrives she doesn't want to get up. Eventually we drag her to the car, and she falls face first into the back seat. I was happy to leave her there, but Cindy doesn't want to get pulled up on the way home, so we have to try and get here sitting up. Sounds easy enough right?

WRONG!

Luckily mum's salon is right across the road and Mel (who works for mum) has a set of keys so she runs over and grabs a towel and bucket. We could NOT for the life of us get her to sit up. Holly is on one end, I'm on the other, trying not to hurt her but she's whining and crying and half yelling at me to stop it. stop what? trying to move her, i guess. But too bad, we have to move her. 10 minutes later, much heaving and pushing, I'm almost in tears but we kind of get her up in a sitting position. God, drunken people are so heavy and impossible to move. I feel so horrible for her, I hate seeing my sister, who's usually so in control and doesn't show much emotion/weakness, crying and passing out and dry wretching.

Holly and Cindy get in the front and i'm in the back with her. She gags a little over the bucket, lucky its there, and falls asleep on my hand that was trying to hold her up and get her hair out of her face. She is muttering utter jibberish. Something about wanting me to sleep in her bed with her, i think she thought i was someone else. She had no idea what was going on. Finally we're home, and its another struggle to get her OUT of the car, but finally she's up and its easy enough to get her to her bed where she falls over and passes out. She's obviously less sick now, and is kinda making a bit more sense. I put a towel under her and the bucket near her and she's responding to things I say. i start making silly noises at her (these silly noises we both make at each other) and she starts making them back at me, kinda half gives me the finger, I piss myself laughing at her and she kinda laughs back before passing out completely. The other two went back into town but nothing like a drunk sibling to really fucking sober you up and I'm really not in the mood to go out. So here I am, helping myself to some of Nony's wine- which she seemed to have drunk half a bottle of, so she was obviously a bit pissy BEFORE the tequilla- out the back at mum's again. I can hear the ocean, and a wind has picked up again that's actually pretty cold. Summer is over, and winter is on its way. FUCK i hate the cold.

So enough about my poor drunken sister- how about my hair? I have to say its looking pretty fucking awesome. Mum and Mel did a fucking amazing job. I wanted to go back to a bright, outrageous colour,while still keeping it dark for the most part. Nony suggested a big chunky, solid block of colour, almost like a head band- going from ear to ear at the front. So we chose orange, bleach the crap out of the front then put this bright colour in. Its shorter again too, around the front and top so its easy to spike up. Its the astro boy hair style, as mum would so, sticking up in a spikey bit at the front, off to the side a bit. Its pretty darn hot I think, and I love it. Mind you, I dont think my mum has ever given me a bad cut- a couple of times its taken me a while to get used to it, but i've never disliked her work. my mum rocks!

ahhh home in bundy. i love being back here, although there are a lot of people and things i miss in brisbane. the trip down was good- lots of laughs, and then i put on some episodes of alias and rach and i sat in the back watching them on Willow. It definately made the trip go by so quickly. Travelling has been totalled revolutionised now, by the purchase of the laptop. I (almost) wish I had to commute for longer in the mornings and afternoons to work so I had an excuse to pull our Willow and watch movies on my lap.
We finally arrived at mum's place- her place is so cute and awesomely decorated. The fridge was of course bursting at the seams with delicious foods and the esky out the back was brimming with beers and swanky chic drinks that I would never in my right mind buy for myself. But when in Bundy and especially when at my mum's, BRING IT ON! You know the drinks i mean, the look and taste just like soft drink and cost an arm and a leg. (ok, not quite, but this is coming from the girl who now buy 2 Litre casks of red wine for $12 heheh)
Greg and Sherri come over (mum's best friends who live right across the road from her in their mansion, or Castle Bargara as they call it now) and the food starts. Cheese platters, dips, prawn cakes, scallops wrapped in bacon and then mud crab. LOTS of mud crab. oh god I was in seafood heaven. I haven't had crab in so long, and these suckers were massive. Crab juice running down my arms as I pulled each leg off and sucked that succulent meat out of the joints. After the body and legs I was stuffed and i still had the HUMUGOUS claw to get through. There was so much meat in those babies.
The rest of the afternoon was just more picking at left overs, drinking and chatting.

I got woken up at 7.30 and I threw some pj pants on and stumbled across the road to greg and sherri's and we had a big cooked breakfast, ham, eggs, tomato's. mmmm i love how close mum's place is to Castle Bargara. And because its such a quiet street, I just wander between the two places in my pj's. hehe. Mum's opening her salon for the morning, and we're going to see dad and then go to town. I always like wandering down the main street just to see what stores are still open and if there are any new ones. And just marvelling at how small bundy seems to me now. Then we're all meeting at the salon for a hair afternoon. Not sure what to do with my hair yet, but one of mum's girls, Mel, is staying back and she's young and funky and supposedly a master at colour, so I'll see what she suggests.

so i ended up crying in the toilets at work. wtf. lets back up a bit.....

does anyone else do this? there are plans for tomorrow... things are going to happen tomorrow so my mind races forward and starts assuming that if THIS happens then THIS might happen and THAT might happen. and the night before, i end up dreaming about the day to come.... yes my dreams are whacked and always end up in much wierder places then the day to come is ever going to end up. but then the day happens and i look forward to it so much
my stomach is in my throat.
i want nothing more than THIS to happen so THAT can happen.... finally THIS happens..... but the whole THAT part just doesn't happen at all. things get in the road, people, things whatever. then circumstances get in the road and it just makes me sad. i'm borderline crying for ages. but wtf why am i crying? THAT was never met to be anything more than... NOTHING.... just FUN.... but suddenly my emotions are getting in the road and i'm crying in the toilets at work.



WTF?!?!?!?!?!?



then again my periods start in 3 days so it could be just PMS.

*note- disregard everything said, i'm just another emotional fucking pathetic useless female, god i hate myself for being like this*

tomorrow is good friday and we're driving back to bundy Road Trip style - me, cindy, holly (cindy's older sister/my other cousin) and rach. 4 days of relaxing, back in the good ol' rum capital.

easter always means lots of good food (NOT chocolate. mum and i both don't have sweet tooths, so we're all about the cheese and seafood and other grand savoury food). mmmm i'm hoping mum's seafood man has delivered.... there's this guy who loves going crabbing and fishing, and he catches so many mud crabs *drool* and prawns. The catch? HE DOESN'T EAT SEAFOOD!!!!! so he pays mum for his haircuts with seafood, tho i'm sure he could stop delivering and mum would owe him haircuts for the rest of his life.

so we're all up at the crack of dawn tomorrow for the 4 hour drive home. i plan to take Willow (ibook) and Buffy (ipod) with me for entertainment, as well as Alias season 1. Rach and i can sit in the back and watch episodes hehehe. i dont know if i'll be getting online however. Dad has a dial up account at his place so maybe I can get on there.

However, feeling strangely amitious, i'm going to try and blog while i'm away and just update when i get home.

ahhh i'm loving this whole friday feel on a thursday. the week has just flown by with minimal issues. i still wish it was last weekend all over again, but this weekend is still something to look forward to. its kris's last day today *awww* so in the typical last day tradition we are going to have a pub lunch... ;) this time at Friday's- much swankier than the typical Irish pub lunch we've done before. Should be fun, I've equipped myself with my digital camera, tho without Cherry's bad influence I dont foresee any cleavage shots this time.

its that time again where i verbalise my internal musings about the future of my hair. where all the short haired fans send me photoshopped photos of me with a prickle cut, long haired fans tell me i looked so much better 'back in the day' and a few randoms send me abusive emails telling me i'm a fat, dirty ho!
so i'm going home for easter which means having mum and her salon at my disposal. i really wanted to cut it shorter again, welll no shorter than i've gone before but just back to that shortness. its fun and easy to maintain- just rub some product in it and stick it all up.
BUT its getting cooler now, approaching winter and part of me thinks i should start to grow it because there 6 months where i can have hair on the back of my neck or on my face and it wont be stuck with sweat. back i dont want it LONG, just mullety long. to grow or not to grow? blah. oh the struggle which is my life!

fun weekend. was up til well after sunrise. fantastic morning, seedy afternoon. sleep deprivation does horrible things to a girls complextion. crazily early night. well needed rest had. queasy, stomach in my throat feeling all day. gotta love that feeling. you know the one.... i haven't had it in a long time. i want to scream/cry/laugh/somersault at the wierd way my body responds to different emotions. its 5 o'clock... gym with rach. goss and possible squealing. maybe some perving. and plenty of taking my (good but bad) frustration out on my muscles in pump. i hope i'm sore tomorrow. another feeling i love to have- after gym aches.

sitting on the couch, feet soaking in my foot spa, laptop on my lap, watching a movie and blogging. god, i love the weekends. feeling a bit seedy today after a fun night last night. a bunch of people from work went to see Danny Bhoy - a scottish comedian, at the Powerhouse. Man, I haven't laughed so hard in so long. Within 5 minutes my cheeks were sore, and my stomach was hurting from laughing so hard. He was hilarious, and so sexy. Rawr, that accent! hehehe.
Afterwards, I went over to rach's and hang out with her and dan, and drank and smoked and chatted and laughed. We stupidly ate some hash cookies- me and pot do not mix AT ALL. i started getting paranoid and had to leave. I started to think rachel and dan were looking at me funny, that suddenly I was the only one feeling and acting fucked up. The walk home took so long it seemed, and it was actually cold. Or at least I think it was- when i'm paranoid, my mind starts racing,... "am I taking a long time? Or am I rushing and moving stupidly fast? Is it cold? or is it actually normal temperature but I can't tell and its just me thinking its cold?" when i got home I tried to get a bottle of water from the fridge and somehow knocked a bottle of sesame oil instead and SMASH, oil and glass all over the floor.
All i wanted to do was sleep, and I was so out of it I barely knew what to do. I tried to clean it up, mope it up, but of course oil is a fucking little bugger to mop up. All I could smell was sesame. I did the best I could and slid a note under Cindy's door saying to wear thongs. Oh god and trying to write a letter, FARK I was sure that I wasn't actually writing words, it was all just scrawl and she wouldn't be able to read it at all.

Anyway, this has taken me all day to write. There has been lots of movie watching and even a nap between starting this post and now. I probably shoulnd't have had the 2 hours sleep, I dont think it helped. I just feel more out of it. Got to go get ready for Aaron's birthday dinner/drinks. Should be good.

Nugget of fascinately, disturbing information I stumbled across on the interWEB #2837:

"Even though you won't find pussy on the menu at your local cafe, you can sample a taste of items near her pH levels: have some black coffee (pH 5), try a lick of lemon (pH 2), or have a glass of the closest thing going, wine, which has the same pH range as the vagina." from Taste of a Woman by Violet Blue

Does that mean I would be a great lesbian? *asks the girl as she downs her 4th glass of wine for the night.... ps its 7.24pm sunday night*

I guess this is one of the reasons I love random net surfing. When I'm trying I often get stuck, and have nothing to read. But its when I'm half watching dvd series, not even chatting to anyone, because my favourite 2 people are watching awesome Joss Whedon creations without me, or off celebrating the joining of two people in vomit-inducing matrimony or something, it is in THESE moments I discover the truly zany and bizarre.

So ok, a few people have been bitching to me that I haven't updated in AGES... heh and those people are the people I see and talk to the most so I dont know why they bitch the way they do, but anyway *lub you all*... what's been going on?

Last friday - the nintendo party was pretty good. The Nintendo DS consoles are pretty cool, I didn't know anything about them. But it turns out they have dual screens (DS- dual screens. wow I'm a real fucking brainiac!), and one is a touch screen, which is a novelty in itself. We have the most fun using the silly chat program. All the consoles were hooked up via wireless and we used these little pen things to write stupid stuff. Naturally the chat consisted of drawings of penis's, cuss words and other such nonsense. The nintendo girls were pretty retarded (pretty, but retarded) knowing nothing about the actual consoles or how they worked. Luckily, the boys I work with are geeky know-it-alls, so they managed to work it all out fairly quickly.

I hung out with Rach later on, watching the latest Lost episode her brother downloaded. (OMG i'm so in love with that show, and thank god they finally had a Hurley episode, I've been wondering what his deal was for ages). Hyped up on red wine, cheese and crackers we wandered down the Alibi and met up with Heather and Dan and had a good girly (plus boy) night. Lots of laughs.

The rest of the weekend was as per usual- hungover, watched Buffy with Cindy, cleaned, grocery shopped etc. Yes I'm in a bit of rut, and yes I love it.

Another week goes by at work, not alot to report about there (not that I would say much about it even if there was, not after reading about all those people who have been FIRED over blogging/bitching about their jobs)... We had another fun friday pub lunch in the Cellar at the Embassy Hotel (see pics in Moblog. Its the wine cellar/bottle shop part of the hotel... They have a table set up in there, in the middle of the cellar, surrounded by bottles of wine, alchol and beer, people come in to buy their booze. It sounds strange but its really awesome. And the food is yum and cheap, the booze is great. We can chose any of the beers or wines from the fridge, rather than just the alcohol they serve on tap, behind the bar. Which means we get to pick and chose from all the crazy international beers they stock in the cellar).

My whole week was kinda building up for a Pirate Party on friday night, at Dan's house. Check the photo gallery for photos. I spent way to money on a costume, but it saved me the hassle of shopping around at second hand stores for bits and pieces. And well, fuck it, I haven't been to a costume party in ages. The party is another success (thumbs up for Dan the fantabulous party host)- slightly less people then last one, but way more atmosphere and groove. Their backyard is huge, it totally felt like we were in a mini jungle. And he has a gazebo!!!! And no Pirate party is complete without a 3 piece bongo band, and an impromptu fire twirler (some random neighbour starting fire twirling in the back alley before Dan's place). Costumes galore, but Dan's was the best. His gay cabin boy attire was far the best and campiest. I have a great urge to host a costume party in the near future. And for once, I DID NOT have an outfit consisting of a lyrca leotard (which means having to strip entirely when needing to go to the toilet).

After much fun, and a smashed table, a bunch of us decided to wander down the Brunswick pub. A quick stop off at home for a change of clothes was necessary. More fun, and some jukebox action, and next thing you know its really early in the morning and people start going home. But not me! We had my cousin, Abby and her 2 year old daughter staying over, so we couldn't go back to my place, so david and I went over to Rach's for some more drinking and movies. Instead it was movies and me passing out. Oh well.

The sun was starting to rise as we left. I haven't been up for a sunrise in SOOOOO long, and had Abby and Jordan not been at home, I would have kept David around for longer and seen how long I could stay up. Instead he left, and I passed out about 6am. yay me.

Saturday- I woke up to the sounds of a rowdy 2 year old, and was up at 9.30. Surprisingly, not that seedy or tired, we had a bludgy day, ate lots of take away (thanks to the person who dropped $20 outside of our block of units), but as 9pm rolled around, I had had one small glass of wine and had barely finished it before I passed out on the couch. Noice one!

Today- us girls got together for a shopping spree, in preparation of rachel joining the monday-friday workforce. I can't say no, so after shopping- both clothes and groceries, I am left with $19 in my bank account. The lowest I've ever let my bank account get down to, but I'm not too worried as I get $50 back from the desposit on the costume, and its pay day either wednesday or thursday. Its been a pricey month- tattoo being the biggest cash chewer. Speaking of which, the tat is well and truly healed. No longer scabby! yay! and its looking pretty damn awesome. I'm so glad I got it. I still haven't told mum and dad but I will show them at Easter. I konw what mum is like, she will make a big deal out of it, freaking out about its size, imagined it to be 10 times the size it is, even if I give her exact measurements. Its better if she just sees it, I think.

Hmmm so that's what's been going on. Nice and impersonal, wouldn't you say?

There are emotions and stuff going on, but I often confuse this for that and I am trying my hardest not to. Perhaps I will post something on my live journal. Add me as your friend and I will add you back (as its friends only) if you are so inclined. Not making any promises though.

Til next month..... ciao!

HAHAHA thanks to Billy, we are having a Nintendo Party this friday afternoon at work. He entered a competition to host a Nintento DS Party and won!!!!
So at 4.30pm this friday, 3 Nintendo DS cars will show up, along with 3 Nintendo reps, about 12 Nintendo DS handhelds, pizzas and soft drinks. wheeeeee. god I haven't played a Nintendo since high school, and I had the good old original Nintendo, none of the Nintendo 64 shit or anything. a big old brick of a console.
and we had this Game Genie, that allowed you to have all these cheats and extra stuff. I get so impatient with computer games (except my one and only true love, Zork Nemesis), I just want to race ahead and see what's around the next corner. The game genie rocked. You could have endless lives, never die etc etc. I would have never made it to the final levels of Super Mario Brothers. Man, just thinking of those games, I do miss the Nintendo.

I'm so going to have to play Zork Nemesis again. The first time I played it was in 1996. My friend had it and we used to play for a few hours after school and on weekends. It tooks us a few months to finish it, and the story was just so captivating. And for '96 it had awesome graphics, and movie clips etc. We would solve a puzzle or make it through a door before the poison would kill us and we'd scream and jump around. It was so creepy in parts too. The music, the background sounds. I couldn't go through the Asylum at night, and I still can't.

argh you know when suddenly, a bunch of memories just come flooding back? and its just plain overwhelming, i can't put it into words.

Differences between British and American smiles
I definately have a British smile, all cheeks and squinty eyes. I'm so not looking forward to those crows feet.....uh, smile lines i mean!

And this *points down there* made me nearly wet myself. hehehe
------------------------------------------
Declaration of Revocation:
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus togovern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a worldoutside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness onyour part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skippinghalf the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.Edinburgh You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' ifyou can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is anunacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to usebad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents ---Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is"Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American Stateswill become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not bere-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside yourborders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host anevent called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball,you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permitif you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "IndecisiveDay."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantityto be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referredto as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near- Frozen Gnat's Urine."
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those ofthe former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

does anyone really know what they want? they say 'follow your instincts', or 'listen to your heart', but what to do when the two voices (head & heart? liver & kidneys?) whisper just as loudly as each other? seeing both sides, weighing up the pros and cons, unable to make a firm decision... its always been my curse.
i thought i wanted something. i was certain. until it was offered to me and then i freaked and worried if i could live if i got my wish. i want someone to be able to tell me what to do. tell me that this is the right thing to do, and i will be able to do it. no matter how much it hurts, i will manage if i know its the right thing to do.
but this uncertainity... not knowing if i'll regret any decision i make down the track. why can't there be something to just tell me what to do?

that said, i'm taking away the comments because i'm not in the mood for ill-informed people to make judgements, or criticize and then try and tell me to suck it up, i deserve it because i am putting my life up for show.