and i'm reminded once again how fucking glad i am to be single.
as for anyone who calls themselves a 'friend' of the ex, GET THE FUCK OFF MY SITE.

i got a hostile sms over the weekend. about me writing about him on my site. then we shared the bus today and i got that familiar 'cold shoulder' treatment that used to hurt me so much. this treatment used to be the equivalent of a punch through the ribcage... but now.... nothing.
i'm reminded of that great line in labyrinth...."you have no power over me"... sarah realizes that all jareth's games and supposed 'power'... its just childish behaviour, and she is more than that. (note to self: must re-watch labyrinth on the weekend)

anyway, i'm just finally realizing, that he can't hurt me anymore. his words or actions can't hurt me if i don't let them. it kinda blew up when we got off the bus, and he angrily, half-yelled at me about having his "friends" read my site and then hearing about it from them (i guess? so he really doesn't read my site? well good for him, i wouldn't have the will power not to read something my ex wrote).
too bad, so sad. i had this site before him and its still going on after him. is he worried they will think worse of him because of something i write? if so, then they are not people i would want as friends.
does he think i portray him in a negative light and is embarassed or offended by this? hell, its not personal. as an ex - an ex that has been the root cause of many emotional issues, an ex that i've been having great difficulty getting over - i think he's always going to come off in a slightly negative way. i dont intend for that to happen. i want to get my emotional baggage out, i like to write about it, its therapudic for me. i try not to bottle things up, which was something i did in my relationship and its definately was part of our problem.

so he stormed off... stupidly i did chase him for a few steps, but when he stormed off again i let him go. i'm not going to chase after him and beg for his forgiveness anymore. it had me worked up for a bit, but fuck it, i'm trying to let guy of this frustration.
its obvious he will never change- storming off with anger, never talking about anything. but i'm going to change. i'm not going to keep butting my head against a wall, trying to make him talk things over, getting so worked up when he runs away. and i'm not going to apologise for what i do, or make excuses. and this brings me back to why i'm glad i'm single. single and selfish and loving it.

the tattoo is done (see photos in the photo albumn), and its slowly healing. i bought some 'tattoo goo' cream to put on it and god damn did it sting like a motherfucker. for about 10 minutes it would feel like i was being stabbed with a needle all over again. its almost 48 hours since it was done and its getting better. the stinging is just a slightly ouchie, warm sensation and it only lasts 5 minutes or so. its starting to get rough and scabby now. and the worst part of getting it where i did, is every arm movement moves the skin in that area and i can feel it. lift my arms up to put on a shirt... ouch. reach around to do up a bra....ouch.
AND the 'helping your tattoo heal' fact sheet we were given says not to 'sweat' the tattoo, which means no major exercise. *cry* no step and pump tonight. probably a good thing tho, because any arm movements in either class would hurt.

thursday was the day from hell. i was on the verge of tears all day, for NO REASON. pms'ing something fierce. I was a bitch to everyone, left work without saying goodbye, barely talked with anyone.i just felt so miserable. the one good part of my day was giving in and brushing off gym, to go to rach's briefly. a couple of glasses of wine, tattoo talk and fun chats with rach and her housemates turned my otherwise dreadful day, into... well... something better.

BUT.... and isn't there always a but, my phone rings as i'm leaving and its steve. we had spoke very briefly earlier in the week about the Angel season 5 dvd's (which have just been released, and I'm wanting to get them through him). The slight wine buzz made me think catching up with him at the pub for a drink would be a good idea. I didn't want him at my place and I sure as hell didn't want to go to his. So the pub is in the middle, physically in the middle between our places.

What I didn't realize is that its Karaoke at the Brunswick on thursday nights. Steve is the karaoke king, so I knew straight away this wasn't going to be a 'one drink then leave' kind of night.

We did have a really good time. Karaoke reminds me of him, of how we met, of heaps of good times we had. We chatted like friends, I didnt get emotional or upset or bitchy or anything. It was good. BUT... there's that but again.... it gets to about 10pm, we both have a good 3 or 4 drinks under our belt and he gets that look in his eye and the conversation turns to sex... how we both haven't been having it, how we both still want it with each other, how comfortable it is, and how that comfort is something with both miss. hell, he could be full of shit, I have no idea, but it is true- I do still feel that way. The conversation starts to seem awfully familiar with him doing the whole 'its up to you, blah blah blah', but then he got up to sing another song. I sat there thinking I'm pretty drunk, and damn hungry, and its late and I should go. But I worried that I'd say goodbye and he would somehow, with the guilt/power he has over me, convince me to invite him back or stay out longer. So I just got up, snuck through the bar and out the side door and went home.

Now looking back I feel really bad, it was just plain rude of me to leave without saying goodbye. I know I sms'ed him, I may have called him. Hell, I dont even know if he won the comp or not (I'm sure he would have. His competition were a bunch of old men who were all horrible and drunk singers). I barely remember chatting online to David, before showering and passing out. I woke up at 3am with my phone in my hand under the pillow. there was a message and a missed call. I dont remmeber hearing it or anything.

I'm tossing up whether I should call him to apologise, go in to his work to apologise or just not say anything at all. Although it was rude it was definately the better thing to do. I dont want to go back to this where we sleep together casually, and I say its alright but then I am left feeling worse off/emotionally weak again, etc.

I want to be friends - but I dont want to start caring about him so much, worried about him, thinking about him allthe time.

And can anyone say, 'DRINKING PROBLEM'? jesus christ I drink too god damn much. All the fucking time. I really need to do something about that. Yes, alcohol has provided a nice comfort/buffer for my emotions during the breakup and the aftermath, but I think its time to slow down. Its been nice to turn to alcoholism to cover the fact that I'm hurting, but now I'm starting to heal, my liver is wanting a break too.

Hahahah I just thought of that stupid analogy- trying to distract yourself from the pain of a sore thumb by cutting off your other arm. Is that kinda what I'm doing, sorta, maybe? Breaking up is hurtful so why dont I drink to numb the pain. It works, except for the whole hangover thing.

Oh god why is it free beer friday today at work? I am telling myself I will be home by 8pm tonight. I want an early night, and I do NOT want to be feeling seedy tomorrow for tattoo's! Plus I have a party to go to on Saturday night.

ergh.... oooh I brought Willow to work, plus the isight, so yay for cam action later on!

Friday night - one of the best night's ever! Started off at work, which is always fun. Happy birthday to spunky vixen, amita for friday. As usual, I took on the duty as bossy bar wench, making cocktails, as well as drinking my share. We finally got around to watching episode 15 of Lost, then Cindy (who had come up to hang out at work), David and I headed home quickly to drop off David's ibook, to pick up some drinks and then we headed off to Dan's party. It was a huge house party, so many people, some much alcohol. Lots of silly conversations, girls pole dancing in the hallway (I have photos I'll put up tonight or something). It was 2am or something and I was getting a little too comfy out on the deck and my eyelids were starting to feel really heavy so I pushed for us to head down to our local pub. As we were leaving we walked past one of the bedrooms, and I could see a girl face down on the bed. She possibly could have been on someone, I'm not sure. We could only see her ass and legs (and she was still dressed), but as we walked by this mattess (not a blanket, a matress) was sliding on top of her. Like covering her up! hhahha I imagine there were people trying to discreetly make out or something but at the time it just seemed like the funniest and most bizarre thing I'd ever seen.

We ended up at our local pub for a while before they kicked us out at 3am, so down to the valley for more fun and games. We wandered back to our place about 4.30am, and while waiting for a cab David and I geeked it up with our gorgeous ibooks (If you missed that special moment between Willow and Olimar, which was captured on cam, check out the previous cam images- there's a link under the cam image, up there *points*). Still not tired at 5am when everyone left, I sat up and surfed and kept chatting ti 5.30am when I finally passed out mid-coversation. I haven't been up at sunrise in soooo long. Anyway can't be assed to go into more detail, but it was an awesome night.

Lazy weekend, dad was down for one night only so I got to catch up with him saturday night.
Tattoo's didn't happen this weekend, our appointment is now next saturday. Can't wait!

reporting to you live and wireless from my dining table: so yes, the lappy is going sweet. this wireless is the best. although with these stupid nails, typing is hard and balancing willow on my lap is only made harder with them. so i haven't moved around much more than table-balcony-bed.

i think i might have to download firefox as i think safari is not showing all the features in this 'creat a post' page in blogger. it usually has a bar of tools across the top with things olike insert image, insert link, bold, italics, edit html etc. but in safari it only shows spell check and insert image. so yea, my posts are lacking links at the moment.

i really need to redesign my site. i am nominated for a cammie again this year, second year in a row. and my site was exactly the same this time last year. how sad. in the camsite world, that is so slack of me. if you would like to vote for the cammies, check them out here http://www.everybodyisawhiteboy.com/projects/cammies/

another week is almost over, and my favourite day of the week, friday is just around the corner. wheeeee. its spunky amita's birthday tomorrow, so we are hanging back at work for celebratory drinks. dan is having his bday party as well, so hopefully will be ending up there too.
and then.........

rach and i want to get our tats on saturday! i'm phoning up tomorrow to book a time. i am still not 100% sure what i'm getting yet but it is going down the back of my neck/back. i have a few pages of tattoo print outs including a whole bunch of phrases in chinese. body, mind, spirit, 3 characters. Libra - 3 characters, karma- 2 characters (not long enough), (there is karma in tibetan in the books at the tattoo place- could definately get that somewhere else tho), new beginnings- 4 characters (it might seem lame but with the whole breakup, new part of my life starting etc it kinda seemed like a nice thing to get), no regrets - 2 characters, and finally 'life is change'- 5 characters. i reallly like that, its a nice thing to remind yourself of, life is change. mmmm so i'm not sure what exactly to get, but i guess i'll take the print outs in and decide then and there, heheh

so yea woot that's my fascinating life for now.

i'm sitting out on the balcony (see current cam pic) with my ibook, willow, on my lap. she is nice and toasty warm on my legs. ive been talking to david on skype (audio chat program), which fucking rocks. clear ass audio, rocks my socks. it totally beats chatting on msn, heh. so willow was sitting on the other chair and isat in my comfy deck chair and just chatted away. i'm not good at multi-tasking it would seem, talking, drinking, smoking, trying to surf the web as well. these fucking nails are shitting me off coz i can't type well on the laptop keyboard at all with them. sucks to be me, i'm so getting them off soon, they are too irritating- and they make certain things hard. like opening cans with the little tabbyh thing, retarded, trying to pick up paper or something thin from a flat surface,. retarded. not to mention a bunch of other things that are now hard to do.

so yea, ibook is going well. using Adium instead of msn. its pretty ok. safari instead of IE. isightweb instead of conquer cam. i've got ms office suite and photoshop as well. all hooked up at the moment, and the wireless net is running smooth as a baby's bottom, fuck i ran out of tobacco and i really want a sjmoke, but its too late towalk to the night owl. *cry*

anyway tis late and i should shower and head to bed, altho i could take willow to my room and update from my bed if i really wanted to geek it up, which i know ill do in the future. but another night.

take care all you out there in interweb land.
xxxxxx

its here! my ibook is finally here! thank fucking christ. i am calling her Willow for sure. Willow and Olimar are so going to make babies together now.

Anyway, after work David is helping me get her up and running with all extra apps I will need... (msn for macs, cam programs and other cool applications like Quicksilver).... She's sleeping beside me right now. I love the little sleeping light, its like she's snoring softly. Ahhh i can't wait to have it all working sweetly so I can lay in bed and chat to my favourite peeps (you know who you are :P), or blog from my couch.

If anyone knows of any groovy applications for mac that you think i just HAVE to have, leave a comment!!!! I need all the extra opinions I can get. I'm pretty clueless.

thanks to lizzie for this time waster. i have spent hours making avatars/cartoon versions of everyone i know. rach was the first and the easiest. something about her face so easily translates into cartoon form. the cute little heart shaped face, pixie like. the big blue eyes, the little features, the distinctive hair cut. even my cousin cindy turned out really well. however, mine didn't. i had so much trouble with my face. maybe because it is mine, that i struggled so much. maybe the fact that the closest hair cut i found was actually on a boys face. maybe my face is just really mong. i dont know.
but much cutting and pasting in photoshop later, this is the best i could do.

and this is rach's:

exactly like her, dont you agree?
and this is cindy, altho most of you wont know what she looks like anyway:


so yea, that was my sunday night. as well as chatting with the cool flatmates, drinking wine, chatting online etc. today we cleaned, watched some buffy, went shopping, drank tea and coffee and perved on the hot italian boys at the patisserie.
tomorrow is the evil bitch day from hell, ie valentines day. the one day where the whole world rubs in my face that i couldn't make my relationship work and that every night i sleep alone. not that i'm bitter or anything. heh.

so if you're a happy couple in love, and you are planning a sweet, lovely, romantic day with your loved one, i hope you fall over and crack your skull open and your brains gush out everywhere. or a chef jerks off and spills his man juice into your delicious, romantic dinner. or a homeless man steals your money while you're too busy grossing all of us single people out by sucking face with your loved one IN PUBLIC.

not that i'm bitter or anything.

I finally have set up one of those cool photo gallery things. Check it out here.
Yesterday/last night was fucking awesome. A group of us stayed at the pub all afternoon, then bowling in the evening (i fell over at one point heheheh, but apart from that i didn't bowl too badly), then to the sluts and the casino.

Will write more later maybe.

well i got the fake nails. i told you i was impatient. however i went out to a shopping mall in the burbs so it was reasonably priced. its definately making typing harder, but hopefully that wont last long.
they look cool. probably a touch too long for me. the salon was staffed by all asian girls who spoke very little english. i said i wanted them shortish, because im not used to long nails and she kinda looked at me like i was a retard and said 'short not beautiful'. but oh well, live and learn.
lucky its almost the weekend, so by monday i should be used to them. already my typing is improving after these few lines.
i have to admit it was pretty scary/nerve wracking, and actually really uncomfortable. i used to cringe when my sister would file my nails. it would give me goosebumps and i'd feel it in my back teeth. well this was so much worse. she was pretty rough, and yea, it was uncomfortable. i felt sick in my stomach afterwards. my nails are still kinda throbbing and i'm sure typing isn't helping so i'm off to attempt to roll a cigarette then shower and sleep.

i feel so grown up tho. i look at my hands and they look so pretty and feminine.
oh yea and i'm happy with my hair cut. it always feels so short at first but i know it'll grow so quickly. i was in the bathroom at work and i messed it up so it was spikey all over and it actually looked really rad. next time i'm hitting the clubs i might wear it like that, or a little mohawk to the side if i have the guts to. hehehehe
good night all!

I dont know why I haven't felt like blogging this week. previous weeks I've just wanted to blab about everything, but not recently. Last week i was suffering pretty bad pms I think, a couple of days I would be on the verge of tears for no apparent reason.

Not to mention this whole ibook catastrophe... turns out, after lots of phoning back and forth and time wastage on my behalf, the ibook got lost at the couriers warehouse in Sydney. However, this wasn't worked out for almost a week. And if I hadn't been phoning Apple every fucking day, god knows how long it would have taken to discover.

What cracks me up, is they were nice and speedy sending the invoice, and that's been paid already. The girl from Apple who I've been dealing with, seems nice enough, but fuck me, they have terrible customer service. She says she'll call me back, but never does. Finally when it was confirmed that the package was lost, she said she might be able to get on of the 7 ibook that were coming in on the 2nd of Feb for me. Of course this shipment was for orders, but I am now a priority customer, or so they say, so someone else can have their order pushed back. She had told me on Monday that she would definately know on the morning of the 2nd if I was getting one of those or not.

3pm rocks around and still no phone call, so I call her back (and of course I'm on hold for no less than 20 minutes before I finally get in touch with her), and tries to tell me that with the new upgrades, I might have to wait til the new models come in....

I'm like "I thought only the powerbooks were being upgraded? I'm getting an ibook".

Dumb bitch: "oh you are too. uh.. well... I'm not going to know til TOMORROW whether you can get the one of the ones that come in TOMORROW"

me: "what about the 7 that were spose to come in THIS MORNING? the ones that you would know about THIS MORNING and get back to me? "

her: "oh only 3 came in, and 2 more tomorrow etc etc"

Finally fed up, I gave the phone to Billy and with his stern, managers voice, he had a word with her, and tried to get shit happening. So far, she has called once this morning saying 'I just wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about this and my manager is just finding out know whether you can get one of these that came in, I'll call you back very soon. Just wanted you to not think I wasn't calling you back"

I'm over the disapointment and the frustration. I'm just in awe over how retarded these people are, how terrible their customer service is. I mean, it was the couriers fault for the loss, not Apple, but people get your shit together!

When it finally arrives, it will be so fucking worth it. It would absolutely crack me up if a couple of weeks after I get it, the original ibook arrives. If it does, I would so not give it back. Cunts, they deserve it.

ANYWAY, the Australia Day BBQ was fucking awesome. HEAPS of people came through out the day. The rain held off til just after we had eaten, so we moved inside for a couple of hours and then it cleared up and we moved back outside. I was nicely pissed throughout the day, but god damn I paid for it the next day. It was worth it though. I had a great time. Cindy and I were eating left overs for days afterwards too hehehe.

Heather has photos up here. Aaron took pics too, but they aren't up online anywhere. And I've got pics that I promise I'll put up this weekend.

I so want to do it again, since the BBQ is still at my place. but even if its not a BBQ, that group of people were quality company. So yea, there might be more parties in the future.

I'm getting a hair cut today at lunch. Just a trim, but since its 7 weeks til Easter (when I will see mum next) I figure if i trim it now, it will be in need of another cut by the time I see her. I found a place in an arcade across the road from work that charges $39 for a shampoo, cut and blow dry, and they looked pretty trendy/funky. Anyway its only a trim. This will be the third time in my life I've paid for a haircut. And only the 4th or 5th time someone OTHER than my mum has cut my hair, so I'm a little nervous.

I'm also thinking of getting fake nails- like not horrible long ones, definately shortish ones, but I dont know, the gel ones or something. I dont know why I want them, but i keep seeing girls/women with them and they just look so grown up/feminine. I look down at my hands, and they look like kids hands. And I've been biting them pretty badly lately. Even if I paint them, to discourage me from chewing on them and they DO grow, they never last long, as they are really fragile. I wish I had nice strong nails, but never have.

I know I should wait and ask around or try some places out on the burbs to get them done, but I get these little silly ideas in my head and then it needs to happen right away. I can't wait! It needs to be RIGHT NOW! I phoned a couple of places in the city, and the best price is $72 for either acrylic or gel, then $42 for refills and repairs etc. I have heard other people talk about getting their nails done in various suburbs and how much cheaper it is. But is it really that much cheaper? Is it worth the hassle of getting out there? Or should I just go for the convience of the city places and risk paying more?

blah blah blah, anyway, typical impulsive me will probably just pay whatever to get them done instantly.

TOmorrow, we're all having a pub lunch at omalley's for paul's last day, which could be drunkenly disastrous, judging from the last time we all went to Omalleys (bosses included). The social club had also booked another bowling game at Strike Bowling for tomorrow night, so hopefully we are NOT all too maggot come 5.30pm, and no one throws up in the bowling lanes or something. hehe.