26 Comments:

• At May 04, 2005 12:45 PM, Anonymous said…

  no way. guys do like being asked out - and there definitely are shy guys. if you like a guy, go ahead and take the initiative, however, don't do ALL the chasing. if, after you've initiated things, he doesn't take the lead, give up on him.

   

• At May 04, 2005 12:51 PM, Anonymous said…

  I agree and disagree in some respects. Guys can sense desperation in a girl, and it is a big turn off. My girlfriend asked me out first, and I was so glad she did because I didn't have the balls (she was hot, and I didn't think I had a chance)!
  I think the key is confidence. Let him know you like him, but don't chase.

   

• At May 04, 2005 1:09 PM, Strongblade! said…

  Guys like to be asked out. I'm a guy and i'd like being asked out.
  
  Of course, it's a two-way street. Girls like that too.
  
  So I'd say that excerpt is full of shit...

   

• At May 04, 2005 1:24 PM, >_< said…

  As someone who doesnt turn heads I can say there are parts of this theory I agree with and others I dont.
  What you have to keep in mind is that every situation is differant, and every person is differant.
  I was the one who made the first move with Space Monkey, after he had been visiting me 5 days in a row. He was chasing me, that was obvious.
  So I asked him...but...
  he was making the effort, he visited me every day, he stayed next door when he was supposed to go home again, he brought me things. He was making an effort for me, he was doing everything he could. Thats what you have to judge. Maybe that scary hurdle of making the first offical move is too much but if you look at all the other behaviour as well, I think you can make an assesment. If they dont make time for you, or put any other real effort in, then I think your banging your head against a brick wall.
  If he's shy he will still try! He might have difficulty but you will be able to see him trying. If he's not trying at all, then shyness or not, he's just not that into you!

   

• At May 04, 2005 1:48 PM, HSBG said…

  It is true and I tell girls the "truth" all the time. Of course there are exceptions, but if you find yourself doing the same thing all the time... Wake UP! Nice guys see it happening all the time and can't believe women are so stupid. Women are always (mostly)pursuing the wrong men. Men too though. I think it's a great book and everyone says, "it just can't be true." It is.

   

• At May 04, 2005 2:06 PM, some girl said…

  I think that exerpt is a little extreme. Sure there are the tell tale signs someone isn't into you when they don't call or don't return your calls or whatever. I think this book is a one way street. It wants women to be independant and strong, yet it still suggests that if a guy doesn't chase you then it's not worth it. It kinda sends out mixed messages. I believe every situation is different, go with your gut instinct and see what happens.

   

• At May 04, 2005 4:55 PM, mikey said…

  I find that just about any yahoo with and idea and money can gat a book puplished thies days and remember not every thing that you hear is true lies sell better the the realy true truth. on the net i may not seem as shy as iam in realy life probly because it's just me and the computer that is with out a voice or comments. in realy life i'm not a head turner but not a monster (at 6.4ft tall and 250lb most would say i'm fat id say big bouned but whatever) i will admit though that i have never been asked out or even aproched by a girl and i'm just too shy to ask a girl out and now with a full time job and a hose to renovate, a garage to build and some land scapeing to do in my back yard it is very hard to find the time and energy to try to find someone nice to "date/spend time with"... this "expert" i think is full of shit and is very one sided. words i live by: if it feels good do it... and rhi what do you mean you dont have/didn't have any guys "chase" after you, thier are many guy out thier that would love the be with you (me being one of them, but you know that) most of the guy are iether to far away or to shy in realy life.
  
  so thats my two cents. for what ever it werth. hehe.

   

• At May 04, 2005 6:00 PM, Sammie said…

  I saw this guy on Oprah awhile ago and since that show my life had changed.
  
  It's no secret that I'm pretty unlucky in love, infact I get no loving and it's been 4 years. But the thing with this book I think it's trying to tell you not to obsess over some guy you've got a crush on because it honestly isn't worth it. Theres never going to be a relationship if he isnt showing you some attention and worthyness, yet females still shrug it off with excuses and still hope that maybe there is a chance for them and their crush.
  
  I used to do this alot, but up until recently I didnt really believe in it whole heartedly. A guy I liked and for some reason thought he might like me back ended up being a dick and telling me he liked my friend. So I admitted to liking him and told him it was way too hard to get his attention and that I give up. After my confession I felt free. I knew I'd never have him as a boyfriend and to be honest it's only now that I can clearly see he would of been a bad choice anyways.
  
  But, I'm free. For the first time in my life I feel as though I have a choice and I'm not hiding myself from guys behind the hope of this dream relationship with some crush I have.
  
  But for you Rhi, I wish I could be confident like you. To me it always seems as though you can get almost any guy you like and they always like you back. Thats just my impression from seeing you with a few different guys. And I could be wrong, things have changed recently, but you've just got that personality and energy that attracks people. I dont think guys would mind if you asked them out :)

   

• At May 04, 2005 7:26 PM, The Frat House said…

  I concur with the above. Definitely ask if interested - but after that it's their move. Plenty of lovely shy people out there - of both genders. Life is too short. However that being said...do I walk the talk? No way (how many people do?). I'm shit scared of that sort of stuff. I don't think I've ever actually just gone up to someone and asked cold - I always have to do some roundabout stupid thing. Girls who do the asking (and also make the first move) are totally amazing and brave and wonderful in my opinion.

   

• At May 04, 2005 8:01 PM, verbs said…

  I think it's perfectly fine for a girl to make the first move. Why die wondering? It works both ways. If you like a guy, and you're brave enough, why not find out if he likes you too?
  
  At the end of the day someone has to make a move...if it was her or me is irrelevant really. If you find someone you really like, and they really like you, who cares who made the first move?
  
  As for the "if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out" bit...that's not 100% true. I've liked heaps of girls and never asked them out. Why? I knew they'd say no. Maybe 1 out of 10 may have said yes, but in my mind I'd be convinced they'd say no.

   

• At May 04, 2005 8:59 PM, Anonymous said…

  "Just do it"

   

• At May 05, 2005 2:24 AM, Jason said…

  I think, that just like anything, there are facts in his statements. But, he confuses them to meet his own opinion. I am a man, and men love being asked out. How ridiculous is it to think that a man wouldn't want a woman coming on to him? That is a hell of an ego boost. Even if he doesn't return the attraction, he still likes it. Everyone wants to feel attractive.
  As for "shy guys", yes there are many many men who can't work up the nerve to ask a woman out. Most in fact, feel this way. For whatever reason we are insecure, it does stop us. When we are attracted, we feel like we don't stand a chance. A woman showing interest, and breaking the ice is great. Don't do all the work, of course, gentle encouragement, but just getting over the first hurdle of meeting you is enough in most cases. I don't mean to generalise, but women are more naturally subtle, and considering that any man actually getting to talk to the woman he was just wishing for is going to be a babbling idiot, we aren't that hard to read.
  If a man isn't interested, you'll know. He won't look interested. He will go away. If he is still there, if he is still trying, he is interested. Again, we are not subtle creatures.
  As for looks, you are right on the money. Of course they are important for first impressions, let's be honest, but not for anything else. Any mature man will be happy to see someone in front of him that wants him, has the same interests, whatever. You don't have to be a 5. Smart, funny, and, um, other skills, will make you the most enchanting woman we have ever met.
  In short, he is talking out his ass. You are your own woman and should make your own decisions about us. Do what you want.

   

• At May 05, 2005 7:39 AM, Susan said…

  "this Greg guy keeps saying things like "If he's smitten with you, he will chase you".."
  
  Yes...also, if he is a stalker, he will chase you, and believe me, you don't want one of those.
  
  Don't take it to heart Rhi, its talking about the extreme cases.
  
  My best friend, who is stunning. I kid you not, its not just because she's my friend, random strangers (male and female) stop her in the street and tell her how beautiful she is, people who meet her once tell me later how beautiful she is...etc...she decided she wanted a guy, a bass player in a covers band who played at the Basement. So she chased him. Constantly. She turned up to every gig, and hung off him at every opportuntiy. He would finish a gig, go round and spend an hour or so chatting up women, then finally come and see her, where she had been sitting waiting for him...it took him about a month to ask for her phone number (even after she had taken him back to her place a couple of times), then he kept losing her phone number...I tried to point out to her that 1. She doesn't need to chase anyone, men fall in droves at her feet (they do). 2. He's putting no effort into this relationship whatsoever. She didn't want to know. 8 months ago they moved in together. 6 months ago he kicked her out because he didn't want the relationship any more...
  
  I think thats what they mean by not going after people who aren't interested. This particular guy never had to lift a finger to do anything...she was always there...so he got to fool around with a beautiful girl (what guy doesn't want that) without ever having to put in any effort.
  
  I had to ask out my current partner because he didn't have the guts to ask me...but that was after we had spent 3 hrs chatting each other up, we were both shy, and one person had to make a move, and it turned out to be me...but I didn't chase him, as such, we both started talking to each other in a group situation, realised we both liked what we saw, and ended up sitting in a corner by ourselves...so it was a mutual thing.
  And believe me, he's interested. And he puts in the effort. I've had enough crap relationshps that I'm just not going to put up with shit from anyone, I don't care how much I like them, if they don't treat me right, they can bite me, I can live without them (I managed it before I met them, didn't I?).

   

• At May 05, 2005 7:47 AM, Susan said…

  Oh and Rhi, and don't take this the wrong way, but I wonder if you have the same problem my friend has...
  
  You are really really attractive. I can pretty much guarantee there are guys out there that are after you...but you probably don't see them.
  
  My friend has really low self esteem and people have told her she's beautiful so many times that it has no meaning to her any more. And guys come up to her so many times and try to ask her out...but she either doesn't see them or doesn't want to go anywhere near them...she goes after people who aren't visibly interested in her because its a challenge, and also because she's reinforcing her own view of herself - something like "all these strangers think I'm beautiful but the people I really like don't want me, so I must be undesirable".
  
  Do you think that you might do the same thing? You say you're always doing the chasing. Don't always do it, and don't put in all the effort. You might like someone, but if you have to put in all the effort to be with them - why do you want to be with that person? Why choose to be with someone like that? I know you can't help who you like but you can help who you go out with.
  
  OK I'm gonna shut up now.

   

• At May 05, 2005 7:47 AM, aaron said…

  I don't really agree with him.
  
  For me, if I'm interested in a girl, I find it real tough to get up the courage to tell her, mostly for fear of her not feeling the same about me. So if there's a girl I like then I'll be watching how she acts around me to see if she's giving off any signs. We all do it, guys and girls alike: if we like someone then we just can't help but give them more attention, spend more time around them, do things for them, laugh at their jokes, etc.
  
  Carrot was right to approach her guy, because he was definitely giving off lots of signs. If someone is giving off signs galore and still fails to make a move, then they're probably waiting to at least see these signs in return.
  
  As for being smitten with someone - I think looks don't have much to do with that. I'd say that if a supermodel walked into a room full of guys and they all got a bit tongue-tied, it'd be from lust, not from anything resembling being smitten.
  
  If I've become smitten with someone then it's normally because I've fallen for their personality. Once I've truely fallen for their personality, I'll fall for their looks as well.

   

• At May 05, 2005 7:55 AM, mikey said…

  if i may recomend a funny movie about this subject it's called "the mateing habets of the earth bound humen" if you cant find it at the store or online i can arange upload to you.
  
  i see sofar every one seems to have a simular thought on this

   

• At May 05, 2005 8:23 AM, aaron said…

  "Do you think that you might do the same thing? You say you're always doing the chasing. Don't always do it, and don't put in all the effort. You might like someone, but if you have to put in all the effort to be with them - why do you want to be with that person? Why choose to be with someone like that? I know you can't help who you like but you can help who you go out with."
  
  I was actually going to say something to that effect: If you have to change who you are to get their attention, then they're not going to notice you, they're going to notice the fake you. Be yourself. If they don't like you for that, then that's their loss.
  
  Also, I couldn't resist posting this here, because a) it's funny, and 2) it's mostly true. :)
  
  Why Geeks and Nerds are Worth It

   

• At May 05, 2005 1:09 PM, Anonymous said…

  Im a shy guy and I can tell you there is no way Id ever ask a girl out unless I knew she liked me. However, if she aked me out it would be a welcome suprise. I dont think you have to worry about what 'Greg' says :)

   

• At May 05, 2005 2:54 PM, mikey said…

  if i only had the money i would love to vacation in australia
  
  
  (you know i'm not to sure why i posted this)

   

• At May 05, 2005 3:23 PM, Lurker said…

  To me you and Sammie are 5 ***** girls, go aussies :)))

   

• At May 05, 2005 3:43 PM, reanon said…

  everyone's comments have been refreshing and reassuring. i guess everyone just goes thru emotional highs and lows and while in a low, i started reading this book and argh.
  
  mikey, i dont know too many of these 'many guys that would love to be with you'.
  i appreciate people who enjoy my site and like me from it, however its not the same.
  out of all the guys i've had any sort of a relationship with, I am almost always the one who pursues/chases them. I am the one making the first (and second and third etc) move. And I can definately see now in hindsight there were many instances of "HE JUST WASNT INTO ME", and i was too stupid/dense to take the hint.
  
  susan - i probably agree with what you said. i KNOW that i like the challenge, for the same reason this book says men like the chase- SO DO I! i know that. perhaps it is a self esteem thing.
  completely off topic, do you have a blog? if not, you totally should have one!!! i would read it!
  
  hahahah and NO i dont want a stalker!!! and hopefully your friend also learnt from her band boy experience, DONT DATE BOYS IN BANDS. ergh they are all arrogant bastards who slut around, wanting their ego stroked by everyone around them. they make inconsiderate boyfriends.
  
  anyway, i know there are decent guys out there, i just need to find ways to meet them. i wasted most of my uni days in a fucking relationship- WHAT A WASTE!!! and now i dont have an excuse to meet people, apart from work or clubs/pubs. and i'm wary of meeting people out, while drinking. mostly i'm just an unapproachable bitch once i start drinking.

   

• At May 05, 2005 11:51 PM, Strongblade! said…

  reanon said: "anyway, i know there are decent guys out there, i just need to find ways to meet them."
  
  Come to Ottawa, Canada. I can draw you a map to one :D

   

• At May 06, 2005 7:17 AM, mikey said…

  OR ONTARIO CANADA I can send you a mapquest(.com) route from austrailia right to canada
  
  if thier is no more good guy in austrailia them come to canada we have a few million guy to chose from

   

• At May 06, 2005 11:25 AM, Strongblade! said…

  Well, *MY* map will be HAND-DRAWN lovingly by baby seals and beavers. :P
  
  So THERE! :D

   

• At May 06, 2005 2:02 PM, rhiannon said…

  i think the thing to take away from that article (i haven't read the book, but my friends have & recommend it) is not to constantly make excuses for guys' behavior & obsess. i met a guy, we hit it off well (so i thought) but he never called. instead of deluding myself & saying "oh he must have lost my number, i must track him down!" i figure, he just wasn't that in to me. confusing as all hell, for sure, because what guy WOULDN'T be in to me?!?!?!?!
  
  guys can use that gentle coaxing sometimes...but when they don't go to the intern's boyfriend's birthday dinner or the pink floyd beijing dance show with you, then the excuses are just nice ways of saying, "i'm just not that into you!"
  i still can't let that one go, but at least i'm not chasing him & making a fool of myself. see?
  
  i've definitely changed my attitute towards guys & relationships & while i'm not dating more, i feel better - can move on. anyway, see things how they are & if there are lots of excuses being made, that's not a good sign!

   

• At May 13, 2005 12:46 AM, umi said…

  I think all this is saying is that there is a greater chance of a relationship working out if certain criterias exist.
  
  Many times in that first chapter he writes that if a guy is too shy to make the first move, would you even want to be with them? I think this method also employs the idea of getting a guy to work for what he wants. It is assumed that you are into the guy you are dating. (perhaps because this book makes the assumption that women are primarily monogomous and get attached easily) Idealistically, with this theory, you will be weeding out all the other guys who might be interested, but not enough to put a real effort. Once this criteria is in place, if a guy think you're hot enough that the effort comes naturally, perhaps there is a greater probability that the relationship will last.
  
  I think this book is tackling the problem of men who lead women on. (the pattern of women giving and giving ... to men who don't appreciate it - I think this is a big stereotype.) I do think that a lot of men get into relationships of convenience. This is obviously geared towards women who are only looking for serious relationships.
  
  I personally think this might be a good strategy to use towards guys you just met / guys you aren't too crazy about. I haven't read the book, but I think the general idea is that women might delude themselves or make themselves think a guy likes them. Also, women have a hard time moving on. Hopefully this book lets them be a little better with that. I guess it is trying to avoid the dynamic of non-committal guy and the woman that gets dragged along.

   

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