heather sent me a link to a funny poop story and that got me thinking about good old number 2's again... anyone that knows me pretty well knows i am more than comfortable sharing horror poo stories, discussing the frequency of my bowel movements, and those who knows me really really really well (ie those i've lived with) know how anal (oh the humour) I am about my poop routine. I am a fan of the morning poop; after breakfast but before the shower. If this pattern is distrupted I get very anxious.

Distruptions to my regularity come in many forms.
The most common are: skipping meals (which i never do), large quantities of alcohol (often), extremely spicy food (common), staying up all night and breaking my sleep pattern (sometimes).
Sickness and visits from my monthly friend (enemy?) can also sometimes wreak havoc. Foreign toilets also play games with my bowels, but that's a whole other topic.

So what is the perfect pooping scenario for me? I'm sure everyone has their own routines and habits, but mine is a cigarette, a book and privacy. I dont smoke on the toilet anymore, instead I'll have one just before. But in previous living arrangements, smoking on the toilet was a common practice, and golly gosh I am a HUGE fan. It relaxs you, gives your insides a kick start and gets everything moving, and it acts as a toilet spray (I was going to say air freshener, but come on- cigarette smoke is most definately NOT an air FRESHener)

Everyone's done the match trick right? light a match after you do your business and the smell from a match eliminates that poop smell right up! brilliant!

Reading material isn't necessary but sometimes its good to have something to do if the poo poo train has been delayed. I think I've read the back of the toilet spray a million and one times for lack of anything else to read.

Privacy is definatley the key to a comfortable toilet experience, for me. Privacy... soundproofing is also an added bonus. I KNOW everyone does it, but I can't get over the nervousness and anxiety when there's a slight chance that someone might hear me. Suddenly every single noise is amplified and echoes. I think this is also why I love my own toilet so much. It seems to have good noise proofing.

There is nothing worse then a foreign toilet... Some of the stranger shaped bowls seem to be designed purely to make your business as noisey as possible.

The bowl angle vs water placement makes peeing sound like Niagra Falls. The sides of the bowl appear to be made of the same material used to make huge Chinese Gongs- which is great if i want to drive away evil spirits, announce the departure of a ship, frighten the "Celestial dog" during eclipses when it is about to devour the moon but ALAS, i do not want to do any of those things.

All i want to do is empty my bladder in a quick, SILENT, and hassle-free manner and get the fuck out of there. Any passing of wind results in loud, thunderous booms that sound like the gods are finally striking down from the heavens to destroy us all. Yes, foreign toilets are not favourable. I like my toilet, and my toilet only.

Fortunately, living with family/close friends relaxes me. Its a sign of the strength of our relationship when I can pee/poop comfortably around you.

Its kind of funny/strange how much distruptions to my pooping can affect me. I dont suffer from anxiety or stress in any other area of my life.

One of the last times I was home I was reminded by my mum how anal (teeheehe) I was about going to the toilet even as a kid. In my first few years of primary school I didn't want to use the school toilets for ANYTHING. So I would run home after school, almost wetting my pants. I refused to drink anything throughout the day, and would hold on until I got home. By mid-late primary school I had grown comfortable enough to use the toilets for #1's, but I definately refused to use them for #2's.

By high school, I was developing a daily routine - daily pooping. However, it was badly timed for the afternoons. It used to hit just at the end of school, or on the way home, so there was often the butt-clench shuffle as I ran inside my house.

Riding my bike in grades 8,9 and 10 was good- it got you home quicker (when you weren't walking your bike the LONG way home just to try and catch a glimpse of your crush also walking that way home- oh I was a tard back then).

Then came the year in thailand.... and that changed everything. I think I'll save that for another post.

to be continued....