thursday was the day from hell. i was on the verge of tears all day, for NO REASON. pms'ing something fierce. I was a bitch to everyone, left work without saying goodbye, barely talked with anyone.i just felt so miserable. the one good part of my day was giving in and brushing off gym, to go to rach's briefly. a couple of glasses of wine, tattoo talk and fun chats with rach and her housemates turned my otherwise dreadful day, into... well... something better.

BUT.... and isn't there always a but, my phone rings as i'm leaving and its steve. we had spoke very briefly earlier in the week about the Angel season 5 dvd's (which have just been released, and I'm wanting to get them through him). The slight wine buzz made me think catching up with him at the pub for a drink would be a good idea. I didn't want him at my place and I sure as hell didn't want to go to his. So the pub is in the middle, physically in the middle between our places.

What I didn't realize is that its Karaoke at the Brunswick on thursday nights. Steve is the karaoke king, so I knew straight away this wasn't going to be a 'one drink then leave' kind of night.

We did have a really good time. Karaoke reminds me of him, of how we met, of heaps of good times we had. We chatted like friends, I didnt get emotional or upset or bitchy or anything. It was good. BUT... there's that but again.... it gets to about 10pm, we both have a good 3 or 4 drinks under our belt and he gets that look in his eye and the conversation turns to sex... how we both haven't been having it, how we both still want it with each other, how comfortable it is, and how that comfort is something with both miss. hell, he could be full of shit, I have no idea, but it is true- I do still feel that way. The conversation starts to seem awfully familiar with him doing the whole 'its up to you, blah blah blah', but then he got up to sing another song. I sat there thinking I'm pretty drunk, and damn hungry, and its late and I should go. But I worried that I'd say goodbye and he would somehow, with the guilt/power he has over me, convince me to invite him back or stay out longer. So I just got up, snuck through the bar and out the side door and went home.

Now looking back I feel really bad, it was just plain rude of me to leave without saying goodbye. I know I sms'ed him, I may have called him. Hell, I dont even know if he won the comp or not (I'm sure he would have. His competition were a bunch of old men who were all horrible and drunk singers). I barely remember chatting online to David, before showering and passing out. I woke up at 3am with my phone in my hand under the pillow. there was a message and a missed call. I dont remmeber hearing it or anything.

I'm tossing up whether I should call him to apologise, go in to his work to apologise or just not say anything at all. Although it was rude it was definately the better thing to do. I dont want to go back to this where we sleep together casually, and I say its alright but then I am left feeling worse off/emotionally weak again, etc.

I want to be friends - but I dont want to start caring about him so much, worried about him, thinking about him allthe time.

And can anyone say, 'DRINKING PROBLEM'? jesus christ I drink too god damn much. All the fucking time. I really need to do something about that. Yes, alcohol has provided a nice comfort/buffer for my emotions during the breakup and the aftermath, but I think its time to slow down. Its been nice to turn to alcoholism to cover the fact that I'm hurting, but now I'm starting to heal, my liver is wanting a break too.

Hahahah I just thought of that stupid analogy- trying to distract yourself from the pain of a sore thumb by cutting off your other arm. Is that kinda what I'm doing, sorta, maybe? Breaking up is hurtful so why dont I drink to numb the pain. It works, except for the whole hangover thing.

Oh god why is it free beer friday today at work? I am telling myself I will be home by 8pm tonight. I want an early night, and I do NOT want to be feeling seedy tomorrow for tattoo's! Plus I have a party to go to on Saturday night.

ergh.... oooh I brought Willow to work, plus the isight, so yay for cam action later on!