I'm getting Cindy addicted to Buffy... we're working our way slowly through season 1. I could watch it over and over and over and never get sick of it. However, we spent all of yesterday afternoon watching 11 episodes of lost (oh dear god i'm addicted), and movies last night and today. It's been a pretty crap ass weekend. If only my ibook had been here, it would have been a good distraction from the crappy, lonely feeling I've had for a while now.

I gave into drunken temptation on friday night and sent steve some pathetic sms's, saying how much I missed him and wanted to call him, yet everytime we see each other, I feel my heart get smooshed and ripped up again. I dont know what to do. I hurt when I see him and I hurt when I dont. I know I will continue to ebb and flow between coping and dealing and not for some time now. But I really was fine for a while and I guess I'm just disappointed in myself for sinking into this minor depression. And I know I don't want to see steve, because he has a mountain of his own issues and problems and I dont want to get involved in them, not anymore. I get too involved, I care too much, and then I just stress and its all bad.

Anyway, he called me back last night and I wanted so badly to see him, but I knew that I would just end up upset and then when one of us had to go home it would be even worse. I passed out on the couch and he called back, but my tiredness gave me the inner strength to say no to meeting up with him. And then my tiredness saved me from a night of crying in my pillow, and I passed out again almost straight away. Cin and I have had a good day and its been mildly busy. Her older sister Abby came over with Jordan, her one and a half year old. We drove out to Toombul for some shopping, grocery shopping and Cindy and I babysat Jordan while Abby went to the movies. Being at a suburban shopping center, wearing daggy clothes and thongs, and pushing a pram/holding a toddler, I imagined that every person looking at me was thinking "ooh look at the teen mother"(ok not a teen but you know what i mean).... However, considering we were in the burbs and most of my fellow shoppers were in fact teen mothers, bogans or lame skater guys, I dont think anyone was really thinking that.

We walked past Steve's place on the way to the video store, and I was thinking maybe I would call him and see if he wanted to catch up tonight. But there was blond hair up on the balcony and I can only imagine it was that slutface Michelle, and my heart/stomach was torn up once again. So I try to deal and pretend I am fine, by stuffing myself with food, getting involved in Buffy episodes and plan to drink til I pass out. I dont really want to talk to Cindy about this stuff, and I dont really have anyone else to confide in (people have their own issues, and obviously think they cope better by isolating themselves.) So drink til I pass out sounds like the good option.

ibook should arrive tomorrow, which makes me temporarily happy. And the BBQ on wednesday is a great distraction from everything that sucks.