20 Comments:

• At January 08, 2005 10:15 AM,  Anonymous said…

  I agree.
  "Once a cheater, always a cheater".
  That said, circumstances and emotion don't always make things black and white... BUT, I will be happy to kick your ass provided I KNOW you're hooking up with a cheater, which isn't always the case.
  Bah, why is life so complicated!?
  Chii.

   

• At January 08, 2005 10:25 AM,  Anonymous said…

  I agree too. That once you cheat on someone then you know you have the capability to do it and you most likely will. However people do make mistakes and a drunken kiss without intention i've found out is just as bad as fullon cheating on your partner. I found this out the hard way. I think it would be great if males for a change had themselves fucked over because it is usually the girl but not always that is so eager for commitment that they dont want to think the one they love would hurt them. I guess it all comes down to honesty. You could be in a relationship with someone who has cheated on all their partners but never told you or be with someone that you know has but is honest and hope for the best. Human nature is shit.
  Love your site!

   

• At January 08, 2005 11:18 AM,  aaron said…

  "I think it would be great if males for a change had themselves fucked over"
  Okay, here's just one of case for you - myself.
  
  Long story short: girl cheated on me, but confessed, tears and all claiming it was "a mistake" and was scared that I'd dump her. I (stupidly) figured that if guilt made her confess, then maybe guilt will keep her from doing it again. WRONG!
  
  A year or two later, she gets real chummy with a friend of mine, then couple of months later tells me "this isn't working any more", so we break up. I try my hardest to believe her when she says they're "just friends", thinking a friend of mine would never betray me like that.....
  
  But I eventually found proof to the contrary, and that it started long before we broke up. I also find proof of one other time she cheated on me, making her grand total 3 times. I'm also fairly certain she was cheating on my (ex-)friend too. They've since broken up and suddenly she's trying to get all chummy with me again. I said to her "after everything you did how can you expect me to even talk to you?" she said "I did nothing to you". That gave me a chuckle. :)
  
  So moral of the story is definitely "Once a cheater always a cheater". I'm sorry if anyone reading this has had any misdiscretions of their own, but I now feel it's the truth. And I don't think it even counts if "nothing happened" - if there was intent there then something might as well have happened.
  
  I've also been on the other end of things - I was once put in an awkward situation by a friend's girlfriend. I kinda freaked out a little and told her in no uncertain terms that I wasn't comfortable with it. She was hurt by this, and I felt bad about that, but at the same time couldn't work out why I should feel bad. Needless to say they only lasted a few months after that.
  
  So there's two cases for you: One of a guy being hurt (and it hurt a LOT. A lot of what I felt was reflected in what Rhi has written in the last 2 months or so), and one of a guy not betraying another guy over a girl.
  
  I feel like I'm a very rare person nowadays though. And sometimes it feels like every week I hear another story of someone cheating on their partner, and it's depressing.
  *sigh*

   

• At January 08, 2005 11:18 AM,  aaron said…

  PS was that the longest blog comment ever, or what! :P

   

• At January 08, 2005 12:15 PM,  Anonymous said…

  I have to point out, that it does take two to tango. What kind of person pursues someone in a relationship? As far as I'm concerned, if you get with someone you know is in a relationship, all bets are off. You're no better than the person doing the cheating.
  
  I've been cheated on, twice by the same person. I've also been the "other woman". Actually having someone cheat on me though, totally changed my perspective. I've been tempted since to get with someone that's in a relationship, but then I remembered how much it fucking hurts to have someone do something so lousy to you.. and I stopped myself.

   

• At January 08, 2005 12:43 PM,  Anonymous said…

  all i see on tv & in movies, all i hear from people i know, & all i read on confession sites like group hug is people cheating. i've never cheated on someone (been tempted once but didn't), but i'm almost paranoid because it seems like everyone does it...& does it a lot. i do kinda want to know what percentage of people actually cheat...
  
  anyway, not to be the devil's advocate, but aren't you being a bit of a hypocrite? it's real nasty when someone actively cheats on someone just cuz they're an insensitive hornball, but cheating on someone because there is a communication breakdown or something wrong in the relationship is equally as wrong. & cheating on someone just to get back at them for cheating on you is wrong as well. there is no justification. so you should really be asking yourself, is once a cheater always a cheater the rule? i'm not going to answer the question because i'm sure i'm a little naive & i don't really know the answer. i guess depends on the person & the situation?
  
  anyway, i hope this wasn't bitchy. & i'm sorry that i had to post anonymously, it wouldn't log me in, unless someone hijacked my account! but you should know who this is with the group hug mention hehehe...

   

• At January 08, 2005 4:18 PM,  Ben said…

  This whole "cheating" thing, as you know, confuses me. There are layers upon layers of societal and relationship assumptions built-in.
  
  I mean, who knows what another couple's arrangement is? Or how they define the idea of sexual fidelity, right?
  
  I think people spend waaaaay too much time worrying about who is boinking whom. Why not just dump the jealousy crap and recognize that sex is fun, healthy, and best shared with others? Why tie love up with concepts of owning your partner's body?
  
  And even if you do go for monogamy...well. Do you really have any idea what people are like? What they're going through? "Once a cheater, always a cheater" assumes people don't change and grow, which is a big bunch of bullshit.
  
  This would be the Honorable Opposition chiming in. ;^)

   

• At January 08, 2005 6:48 PM,  Anonymous said…

  That last comment brings up some good points, and half of me agrees.
  
  Personally I know I could cheat on a partner, but not necessarily cheat on another. All relationships are different - some crappier than others - and there is a fine line between doing wrong and getting what you need.
  
  That said, it is true; we all change, and we certainly do usually learn from our mistakes.
  
  Certainly there is THAT "sort" of person, whom will cheat over and over again. But we are not all like that.
  
  Just some thoughts anyway. This is hands down the best comments thread yet. You should always post about moral quandaries.
  Chii.

   

• At January 08, 2005 7:50 PM,  Anonymous said…

  All guys would cheat given the Opportunity.

   

• At January 08, 2005 7:57 PM,  Anonymous said…

  I cheated on my current partner, and I can honest-to-god say that I would never inflict that kind of pain on him again. The whole experience really made me mature and genuinely care about how someone other than me felt. Our relationship is monogamous (mutually decided) so there's a lot of guilt associated with cheating.
  
  BUT...I'm a total hypocrite, when I hear that someone has been cheating I automatically think of them as low bastards. It always takes a second to register that I was that low bastard once.
  
  There are different circumstances in every relationship, so you can't really judge - not that has ever stopped anybody.

   

• At January 08, 2005 11:01 PM,  Anonymous said…

  I kissed a guy when i was drunk and broke my boyfriends heart. The worst thing was i had absolutely no feelings for this guy it was just a random ass thing to do and it lost me my fiance'. Does this make me a dirty cheater... I guess but i honestly think people can change. I would never kiss another guy again drunk and i will have to learn this lesson the hard way. When your playing with peoples hearts things are always going to get nasty. You learn from living and so is life

   

• At January 09, 2005 3:05 AM,  Anonymous said…

  I have cheated before. My only "excuse" is that I was young. Although I know that's not an excuse. All I can say about it is though, that I cheated on a 2 year relationship, I confessed it all within a week and let him break up with me. I also never went after the guy I cheated WITH. I felt absolutely shit, the worst feeling I can ever recall having in my life. The thought of the guy I cheated with made me sick for months and I also know that cheating is something I could never ever manage again for the rest of my life.
  --Sophie
  So, I disagree with the "Once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. I also feel there are different sides to the cheating story. When someone cheats and then ends current relationship to start new relationship with person they cheated with. This is wrong... and the new person should be very wary. When people act this way they don't let themselves experience the guilt they deserve because they somehow think they've done the right thing by ending it and being "in love" or whatever with the new person.
  Then of course there's the downright dirty cheating... where it happens regularly and sometimes with numerous people with no inclination to end the relationship.
  And the third... when things may be turning sour in a relationship and one person looks for an escape. It very well may be sub-consciously but cheating may occur. If they knew the relationship was nearing the end...and they search for answers (in all the wrong places) they at least work out that what they had was not meant to be. The only mildly dignity rebuilding action after that should be to stay away from flings and relationships for a good few months to learn for sure that you could never ever do anything like it again.
  If you really like someone though, while you're already in a relationship, people should have the guts to end it before approaching the person they like. I mean not only is it shit to be cheated on obviously.. but show some respect to the person you're chasing. If you truly wanted them the last thing you should be doing is showing them how much of a disgrace you have the capability of being.

   

• At January 09, 2005 3:09 AM,  Anonymous said…

  Uhhh... last comment was mine. I somehow managed to put my name into the middle of the comment instead of at the end. Just a heads up.
  --Sophie

   

• At January 09, 2005 7:05 AM,  Anonymous said…

  All girls would cheat given the Opportunity too.
  
  It's not a chromosome thing, it's species wide.

   

• At January 09, 2005 11:30 AM,  Anonymous said…

  Well shit, I just got this month's FHM in the mail and there's an article in there about a group of women who have all had one-night stands.
  
  Only of the girls who was interviewed mentioned a boyfriend(ex), but I can't help but wonder about some of the comments made, regardless if any of them was seeing someone at the time.
  
  "...one night stands are usually more fun than anything you can do with a boyfriend you've been with forever."
  
  Granted, it may be fun but I think they owe it to the people they're seeing to come clean.
  
  I don't think I could ever completely trust someone who's cheated on me. I may forgive them in time, but the relationship would probably be ruined, and we'd be friends at best.
  
  James R.

   

• At January 09, 2005 3:18 PM,  Anonymous said…

  I had the opportunity to cheat on my girlfriend of three years. I have to admit I was very tempted. My gf and I had been going through a rough patch. I'd had a couple of drinks and was alone with a great looking, nice girl. It almost happened, but then I realised... ok things are bad right now... but they could be good again..and one moment of fun could have extremely serious consequences.. so I walked away.. but I'll admit that yes, I was tempted once.

   

• At January 09, 2005 3:33 PM,  James said…

  I believe that people who cheat, can change their ways with some work and a loving partner.
  
  If you do it with more than say 1 person then good luck to ya!

   

• At January 09, 2005 5:07 PM,  Anonymous said…

  Also you have to look at yourself for seeing someone already in a relationship.

   

• At January 09, 2005 7:17 PM,  Anonymous said…

  Ben isn't me.
  
  -Generalben.

   

• At January 10, 2005 12:07 PM,  Anonymous said…

  Cheating is such a minefield ...
  What defines cheating?
  Is it that I fantasise about my girl's friends or do I have to commit a physical act?
  Can intent be as bad as action...?
  
  In other matters during Christmas my brother in law rang me as we were staying with him for a few days interstate - so was his 14 year old son! Someone I had never met or heard of ... being in a noisy group of relatives I did'nt get to ask his wife her views but my mother was also suprised to discover this stranger was sharing time with us at her grand daughters/ my nieces place...
  
  They have been married 35 years and are Christians but the question still running through my head: Do true Christians do things like this?? I'm still shocked and confused... Everything seemed happy families and OK on the surface but underneath I'm not so sure.
  
  Cheating can have long term consequences - needless to say the person concerned has dropped markedly in estimation.

   

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